After All Read online

  “Doesn’t Ree have her permit?”

  I groaned. “You want to sit in the front seat with a novice driver, be my guest, but it’s slightly terrifying. I won’t be responsible for heart attacks or broken cars.”

  “You’re sweet, Brandt.” She stepped up to me and kissed the corner of my mouth. “Let’s grab the kids and go get dinner.”

  “It’s not dinner. It’s barely food.” But my protest was weak as Ashley beamed and led me from the house.

  I wondered when she’d tell me about Josh for real?

  THIRTEEN

  Ashley

  Every time I glanced back at Brandt’s swelled nose, a wash of guilt and gratitude flooded me. I was glad again I’d invited the kids, because they kept the evening light, joking about the pizza that was about to be dropped at their house and how they planned to eat it for breakfast.

  “Ree…” Brandt sighed. “Turn signal.”

  Ree frowned again as she flipped it on.

  “Don’t stress.” I chuckled as I clutched a knee to my chest in the passenger’s seat. “You’re doing great. Have you driven through a drive-thru before?”

  “Nope.” She grinned, and I knew it was definitely a good move bringing the kids. There was still something about being with the group of them that gave me a sense of what home could be like.

  “Thank you,” Brandt mouthed the next time I glanced back.

  A rush of warmth hit me, and I smiled in response. Maybe now he’d get that we could all do this together. And maybe I’d start to comprehend it all, too. That being with Brandt, wasn’t being with just Brandt, it was inheriting a family. Something I both craved and was still a bit terrified of. But in that moment it felt perfectly easy.

  * * *

  Brandt sat on my couch leaning his head against the wall, and I sat next to him. Close enough that our legs and sides and arms touched. Close enough to be warm. We’d all eaten. His kids were home and heading to bed. All was taken care of, and tiredness began to drag me down.

  We sat in silence for long enough that my afternoon started to hit. The feel of Josh Sr.’s arms on my throat. Again. Against the side of a house. Again. What would have happened if Brandt hadn’t shown up, or Amy, or… My chest split as I thought about how terrified Josh must have been every day.

  “You okay?” Brandt asked quietly.

  “I can’t believe he drove so far.”

  “Crazy dad,” Brandt whispered.

  “Too crazy. Why did they bother having a kid?” I blinked furiously to keep in my tears. “They didn’t even like him. Josh, I mean."

  I hated that man. Hated him. All I saw when I looked at Josh Sr., was Josh’s executioner. He didn’t care about him when he was alive, why would he care now?

  The way I love him tore into my chest again and a whimper came up my throat. I clasped my hand over my mouth trying to stop it, but it didn’t work. How could anyone not love Josh? How could they hate their son so much they were willing to hurt him? His dad with his fists, and his mom by not stopping it.

  I ached for what his life should have been like. For how it was cut short. For how he should have been treated by the people who were supposed to love him most. For the small bits of fear I’d had at the hands of his dad and knowing it was such a small portion of how Josh felt.

  In seconds I was curled in a ball in Brandt’s arms and sobbing. Again. Over the friend I couldn’t save.

  Brandt said nothing. Just let me cry, and gently stroked his hands up and down my back. I curled into him further wishing to disappear. It didn’t work. I cried harder. Balled up tighter and sunk into the pain of losing someone I shouldn’t have lost, and knowing that I should have been able to stop it.

  * * *

  I blinked a few times in the dark. Brandt and I were lying tangled on the couch together. His arm rested around my waist and I was still curled against him, just lying down now instead of sitting up, my face still pressed into his chest.

  He seemed so peaceful as he slept, and I watched him for a few moments. His mouth hung slightly open, and his breathing was slow and steady. His eye was going to be ugly tomorrow, and I realized I’d slept with a beat up guy in my bed more often than not.

  I traced his hairline, and around his jaw, and I loved that he'd stayed. That I felt on more equal ground with him than I'd ever felt. Maybe this is what it was like to be grown up.

  There was a time I thought I was in love with Josh, but he didn’t feel like this. This…complete.

  Brandt sucked in a short breath and his eyes opened. “You okay?”

  “You stayed.”

  “Of course.”

  My hands rested on Brandt’s chest, and he tightened his arms. “I’ve never been with someone who felt like this.”

  “What’s this?” he asked.

  “Something I’ve never had, which makes me wonder why I never tried for it.” I didn’t know if I expected an answer, but it needed to be said.

  “Protection?” Brandt asked.

  “Safety,” I answered.

  “You watched your mom be heartbroken, and the guy you were closest to was probably confusing because of the way he felt. Since he’d only ever be a friend, maybe he was safer to love. People who might have returned what you felt with the same force, maybe felt like too much."

  It felt like Brandt was seeing through me, and I found comfort from that instead of being afraid. “Do you think I’m crazy? I mean, I keep forgetting you’re a shrink and maybe see more than I mean for you to.”

  “I think…” He paused as his eyes searched mine in the dark. “I think it means you’re cautious, which makes me feel a bit amazing.”

  “What? Why?”

  A corner of his mouth pulled up as he pulled me closer. “Because you’re letting me be here. With you. Like this.”

  I wasn’t sure how to answer him, but I wanted him to understand Josh and me better. “Josh was my best friend. He cried with me when my favorite step dad left, and he showed me how to tongue kiss before my big date with Davey, who turned out to be an ass, but you know, it was important then. He was around when I had a bad dream and my mom was working, and I was around for when his dad hit him, which was often. I know that to most people, whatever we had was weird, but it worked for us."

  “Ash…” Brandt ran his hand through my hair, pulling all the loose strands off my face.

  I blinked but a few tears still escaped. “I’ve nursed broken ribs and black eyes, and bruises and broken fingers, and…”

  “Broken hearts,” he finished.

  For some reasons those words hit me the hardest. “How could his heart not be broken all the time? When the people you love most in the world don’t love you back?”

  Brandt pulled me closer again while I tried to catch my breath. “I don’t know.”

  “I loved him more than I should. In ways I shouldn’t have, knowing that he wasn’t mine to have beyond friends, but I did.

  “He committed suicide. He’d finally gotten away. Was living with the nicest guy you ever met. I loved them both. But it wasn’t enough. He couldn’t get far enough. I hate them for what they did to him.”

  Brandt pulled in a breath like he was about to speak.

  “I don’t need the lecture on how he’s in a better place. I don’t need to hear that he’s the one who chose to pull the trigger. I’ve heard it before.”

  “I wasn’t going to say that.”

  “What were you going to say?”

  Brandt’s fingers traced through my hair again before he spoke. “That he was so lucky to have you.”

  Not lucky enough. “I wasn’t enough. I didn’t know he was that far gone. I should have known.”

  “Ashley.” He pulled me further into his chest. “This is not your fault.”

  “Don’t pull out your shrink hat now.” I sighed. “I’m so sorry this all got dumped on you.”

  “This is my everyday normal, Ashley. More than you know.” His hands felt almost desperate against my back. “There�
�s something horrible about knowing you didn’t protect the people you love most. But Ashley, you helped him when he needed it, and there is no way you should have known what he was going to do.”

  “Logically, I sometimes know that. But most of the time, it doesn’t feel that way.”

  “I can understand that.” His lips touched my forehead again.

  I think it was mostly because Brandt was pressed against me, and he was being nothing but sweet and not pushing anything that I kissed him. Hard. And he did the same.

  All the need of having someone close flooded me, pushed us closer. The need to feel something outside of the sadness clawed through me, and I wanted him. All of him.

  I dug my fingers into his sides, all of my sadness sweeping into desperation. We rolled together until he was lying on top of me, and my hands ran up the back of his T-shirt as I pushed it up, hoping he’d pull it off.

  His lips trailed under my ear and down my neck, sliding across my collarbone as his hands clutched my ribs. And then he stopped and backed up, sitting against the wall, breathing hard.

  Everything in me dropped as my brain scrambled to figure out what just happened.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked.

  “Bad timing. That’s all.”

  I reached for him in the dark until I found a hand. “Felt pretty good to me.”

  “Perfect. You feel perfect,” he agreed. “Are you okay? I need to be home before the kids get up or it might be weird… Or I might need a longer talk with them than I want to.”

  My mouth kept opening because I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to be wrapped up in him longer. More time. Forever. I didn’t know, but I didn’t want him to leave.

  “You’re still thinking of coming with us to the cabin?” he asked. His voice was too professional, and stilted, leaving me confused.

  “Yeah. I have a few more recordings I want to transcribe on Friday, so I’ll meet you in the morning. Saturday.” Confusion swirled around because we’d gone from kissing to…planning?

  “Okay.” He stood.

  “Um…” I stood with him on the teetering edge of panic at how he was pushing away. “What just happened here?”

  He took me in his arms and kissed my forehead, which suddenly felt depressingly friendly.

  “I’m trying to be the nice guy, Ashley. Desperately. I lose my head a little when we kiss, so I just… It’s just that I need to go.”

  I grabbed his belt-loops to try to keep enough teasing in my voice for my forwardness to be okay. “What if I don’t want you to be the nice guy?”

  “Then you’re with the wrong guy.”

  I was shocked still for a moment. “This is who you really, actually are.”

  “My mom always said that integrity is doing the right thing when no one’s watching, and I add to that—it’s doing what you know is right even when your body is telling you to just take the girl next to you because she’s gorgeous and feels amazing under your hands.” He chuckled.

  I leaned into him feeling wholly confused. “Thanks for being here. For listening and for almost breaking your nose for me.”

  “Thank you for wanting me here, Ash.”

  We kissed once briefly, and then he leaned in again almost immediately with a harder kiss. Brandt sighed. “Yes. You feel way too good for me to keep wanting to do the right thing.”

  I rubbed my hand across his chest. “So do you.”

  “Get some sleep. I’ll let myself out. I’ve seen Amy hide your key.”

  “We’re stealthy like that.” I nipped his lip again, which earned me another toe-curling kiss.

  “Night.” And he bolted out of the living room, leaving me emotionally hollowed out from the previous night, but filling up with Brandt and a ridiculous grin on my face.

  FOURTEEN

  Brandt

  Three cups of coffee and I was still barely awake. I rubbed my eyes again as Ree turned the station from one to another to another, all the songs sounding the same, and us only listening to half of each before moving on.

  My head throbbed, and I was bound to get looks over my bruised face for the next week or so. Worth it, but still painful.

  Trevor snored in the backseat. At that moment, I wished Ree had her license so I could nap with Trevor while she drove. But there’s no way with just a permit that I’d be falling asleep in the passenger’s seat.

  “Your nose looks worse,” she commented as she hit the search button again.

  “Thanks.” I sat lower in the seat wishing the drive wasn’t two hours.

  “Do you hate Alex?” she asked.

  Yes. “No.”

  “I just…” And Ree actually looked conflicted as she bit her lip.

  I needed to take some time and talk to her about him, but she always shut down, and I hadn’t yet cracked the code on getting her to actually talk. And it was a conversation that I really didn’t want to have.

  “You okay?” I asked trying to leave the conversation open. I’d talked people down who were ready to chug a bottle of pills or put a bullet in their head, but nothing had prepared me for talking my daughter about boys.

  She squinted at the dashboard again in concentration. “Just thinking about what Ashley said. That’s all.”

  I wanted to jump for joy, to grin, to tell her it was smart. “Ashley’s smart.”

  Trevor shuffled in the backseat.

  “You really like her, don’t you?” Ree asked while pathetically attempting to hide her excitement—biting her lip to hold in a smile.

  “I do.” I shifted, wanting them both awake for this. Although, what I needed to do was keep Ree talking about Alex. “Trevor?”

  “Trying to nap, Dad.”

  “Can I have a sec?”

  “I’m listening.” But his eyes didn’t open.

  “You two really like Ashley.” In ways it was huge. The chances of finding someone we all loved was slim, I knew that. There was tension in almost all patched together families, but there was tension in every family, so that maybe wasn’t a fair thing to say.

  “She’s so cool.” Ree smiled. “Like, she’s older, but not too much older. Just right.”

  “Meaning she doesn’t mind sneaking you fries?” I glanced back at Trevor who caught my eyes before closing his again. “And maybe keeping a secret or two.”

  “What makes you say that?” Ree asked, so obviously trying to sound relaxed. And failing.

  I shrugged. “Just that Ashley seems like the type. That’s all.” And that’s when I needed to open my mouth and tell them that we were just getting started. That it might not work out. That they shouldn’t get their hopes up. But I was already doing all of those things. We also needed to talk about what they were okay with me sharing about their mom.

  Ree’s phone beeped in a text and she snatched it from the console, trying to read her phone, which now rested on the steering wheel. “It’s Jen,” she said as a way to hold off any more talk about Alex, I was sure.

  “No texting when driving, Ree. Really.”

  Trevor’s breathing had evened out again, and I’d just lost my chance to warn them that just because I liked her, didn’t mean we were forever. Or to talk about Alex. Or their mother. At least we had the weekend.

  * * *

  The small cabin was just as we’d left it, and only a hair above camping—probably something I should have warned Ashley about. The dust that gathered in the week since we were here last seemed worse than normal and my patched together kitchen and makeshift bathroom felt…shabbier.

  I definitely should have warned Ashley.

  “I already did.” Marie grinned.

  “Did I say that out loud?” I turned around, still feeling baffled as to when my charming cabin turned into such a shack.

  “You mumble all the time, Dad.” Trevor slapped my back before climbing the steep steps to the loft room above.

  “And it’s getting worse as you get older.” Ree waggled her brows as she typed into her phone again.

  “Brilli
ant.” I sighed, which put me into a coughing fit over the dust. There was no way I’d be ready for Ashley tomorrow.

  * * *

  The sun had gone down and I was alone on the dock. One of my favorite things. Small padded footsteps made me jump and I turned to see Marie tip toeing out.

  "It's late," I said.

  "Yeah," she agreed.

  "Wanna come sit?" I patted the dock next to me.

  She sat and slid her skinny arm through mine.

  "You okay?" This kind of thing hadn't been "allowed" for years, she was too old to gain comfort from her dad. At least it felt that way.

  "I'm better. I wish I didn't hate Mom so much. I wish I didn't care that we never hear from her." Ree never volunteered to talk about her mom. Maybe it was a sign that she was starting to move past it.

  I tried to gather my thoughts to share. "I want you to feel, Ree. Even though it means you have to feel all the bad stuff with the good. Imagine what it'll be like when you find someone and make your own family. How much more it will mean after what we've been through."

  She leaned into me further. "And how happy you might be with Ashley."

  I tried to push down the hope and see the reality of getting involved. "It's new. We have a lot working against us, so I just need you to be prepared if it—"

  "Geez, Dad. Lighten up. Enjoy her."

  "If it were only that easy." I chuckled as I pulled her into a tight hug.

  * * *

  Aviator sunglasses. Coltrane blasting on her speakers. Bandana holding back her hair, and the always assorted straps and bracelets on her wrist. I’d have a crush on her no matter what age I was.

  I stared from the large lawn in front of Cooper’s place, and watched her in the driver's seat for a moment longer.

  “Damn, brother. Worth the dry spell for that.” Cooper slapped my back.

  “Give me just a sec, would you?” I asked as I stared.

  “If it only takes you a sec, something’s not right.”

  I gave him a shove, but Cooper just chuckled as he backed off and started to walk down the hill to the lake.

  She paused in her car for a moment more, and adjusted a strap before pushing open the door.