After All Page 14

  “I don’t want to talk about it.” The words barely came out through my breathing. I tried to catch my breath, and my legs shook now that they were no longer being forced to run. I stepped around him to get home.

  “Ash…” He reached out and held my arm with his hand.

  I made eye contact then. I had my breathing under control enough to purse my lips together. “Let go of me. Right now.”

  He stepped back like I’d bitten him.

  “It’s your job to protect them!” I surprised myself with how loud I was. It had been building all day.

  “I know.” His arm dropped. He looked like he’d aged ten years since last night with the wrinkles of worry around his eyes and weaved across his forehead. “And I should have seen. I should have. I just—”

  A rush of energy ran through me as I faced him. “How could you let it go on for so long? I thought you were better than that!”

  He looked like I just slapped him. His head started to slowly shake. “I didn’t—”

  “Don’t tell me you didn’t know!” I reached my hand out and pushed him away as he leaned toward me. “That’s crap! That’s what everyone says! It’s pathetic!”

  “But—”

  “Don’t make excuses Brandt! It’s not good enough!” I trembled from anger and exhaustion and the crazy range of emotions I’d been fighting since first picking up the file with Jessica Steeple’s name on it. Since nursing Josh’s broken nose. Ribs…

  “It’s different, Ash. She was—”

  “Stop! I don’t want to hear it!” I put my hands in the air. “I’ve seen the same things over and over! Letters in files saying that their situation is different. It’s not different! I don’t want to hear it anymore!” Tears flowed freely now.

  Brandt stared at me with a look of shock and sadness.

  I paused only long enough to catch my breath. “Did you ever think about what it was like for them? When you were happily oblivious?” I was still yelling, unable to control my volume, my temper, my emotions. I wanted to bang my fists against his chest so he’d know I meant it. Instead they balled into fists at my sides.

  He backed up then, his eyes wider than before. “Every day, Ashley. I think about it every day.”

  I couldn’t look at him any more, couldn’t fight with him. “You should have been there today,” I whispered. I wanted to scream. I wanted to destroy something. I wanted more answers, but I didn’t want them. I just wanted to get away.

  “Jessica’s never there. Marie and I talked when we got the notice over a month ago. I…”

  “Stop.” I took a few steps backward. “I’m done.”

  As I walked up my steps with trembling legs, it felt like I didn’t know anything about anything. My world of Brandt, the first person I’d really started to trust since Amy, had been shattered in one short day.

  EIGHTEEN

  Brandt

  Everything inside me toppled over as Ashley disappeared into her house. Every mistake. Every wrong decision I’d made regarding Jessica and the kids slammed into me again. What an idiot I’d been, thinking I could have possibly done enough to deserve anything different. Better.

  Knowing what I knew about Ashley and Josh and what she’d gone through as a child because of her friend, the chances of her forgiving me were slim. I’d already lost her. Just when we’d finally started. Just when I’d finally started to let myself fall. The heat pounded down on me, but I suddenly understood her need to run. To escape.

  Unfortunately I had two kids to talk to, dinner to cook, and a life to try and keep living. I turned and moved up the steps, one foot in front of the other, just trying to keep moving forward.

  * * *

  Midnight and I’d been nursing the same drink for about two hours on the back porch. Cicadas filled the air and the distant hum of freeway traffic numbed my brain—just not enough.

  I’d sent Ashley two texts—one telling her that whenever she was ready to hear me I wanted to talk, and another begging her to not shut out the kids. She didn’t respond to either.

  “I think she’s really upset,” Marie said quietly as she stepped outside.

  I kept my eyes on the backyard. “Please go to bed, Ree.”

  “Why didn’t you tell her?”

  I took another sip not knowing how best to answer. “It wasn’t just my story. It was yours, too. And Trevor’s.”

  “But you were the one who gave us this big lecture about wanting to date. Did you not think it would come up?”

  This wasn’t a conversation I wanted to have with my fifteen-year-old daughter. “Ree. Go to bed. Now.”

  “Dad.”

  “I’m serious, Marie.” I stood up, hands shaking, not wanting to think about this anymore. It all hurt too bad. There was the new hurt from Ashley and the old hurt from Jessica and piled on top of that was everything I’d screwed up from the beginning. “This isn’t your business. Go to bed.”

  Her jaw was set and her eyes hard. “Either it is, or it isn’t, Dad. It’s my business so you don’t want to tell her, or it isn’t, meaning you should have given her the story without asking.”

  I wanted to scream or throw my fist through something. My jaw ached from the pressure. Of course I should have told Ashley, but really, we’d just gotten started. It was a lot to dump on someone. “Go. Now.”

  Her jaw tensed again and her nostrils flared—a sure sign I was going to get some of the silent treatment for the next few days.

  As Marie stepped back inside, instead of holding on to the frustration and anger, all I could think about was how many millions of ways I’d let them both down, and I fell back into my chair wishing I could redo most of my life.

  * * *

  Date nights with Alex always stressed me out. Trevor was at a sleepover with part of the football team, and Ree’s curfew was three minutes away. As I paced the living room, I knew she wasn’t going to make it. And I also knew that she was going to do it on purpose. She’d barely spoken to me for four days, and now this.

  I called at five after midnight with no answer. I paced. Stalked the backyard. Ran my hands through my hair so many times I was likely to make myself bald overnight. My stomach rolled over and balled up. I called at twelve thirty. No answer. I called at twelve thirty one and her phone cut straight to voicemail. She’d cut me off.

  Anger soared through me, following quickly by panic. Where was she? When was she coming home? Was she coming home? The air left my chest, and there suddenly wasn’t enough in the backyard to keep me breathing right.

  Marie wouldn’t just leave…would she?

  I had a flash of a thought that maybe she was next door. How did I even deal with that? I scrolled to Ashley’s number, but couldn’t bring myself to dial knowing the most likely outcome was her voicemail cutting in or more sharp words from her, and I couldn’t take either. Maybe face-to-face would be better. Or maybe I could just hope that one of her roommates would answer the door.

  My heart hammered against my ribs as I walked to Ashley’s, but if Marie was there, the fix would be simple. Music played and lights were on, so at least someone was awake.

  “Oh, hello.” Kenneth opened the door and his eyebrows went up. “If you’re here for Ashley, I really think—”

  “I was hoping my daughter…” I coughed a few times because I was about to say out loud that Marie was gone. “Marie turned off her phone. It’s after curfew… I guess I hoped she was…here?”

  Kenneth slowly shook his head. “Not here.”

  “Not even in Ashley’s room?”

  His face fell. “No one’s in Ashley’s room.”

  “Is Ashley okay?” I whispered quietly.

  “Not so much. No.” He shook his head. “But she will be. I think.”

  I squeezed my eyes and dug my fingers in because I just didn’t know how to deal with so much at once.

  Kenneth sighed. “Ashley’s kind of stubborn, and she can be quick to judge, and a bit of a know it all. And everything that happened to Josh
she heard through the wall, and… I think it’s the one thing she has no tolerance for.”

  I blinked a few times, absorbing. This was a guy who’d known her for years, and I’d only known her for a couple of months. Not quite. “What do I do?” I asked.

  Kenneth snorted giving me the distinct impression he had no idea. “I’d definitely give her some space.”

  “Okay.” Now what? Panic welled inside me again over my daughter. “Please if you see Marie—”

  “Hey, Brandt?” Kenneth took a step outside. T-shirt tucked even at half past midnight.

  “Yeah.”

  “If I see her or hear anything from Marie, I’ll let you know right away.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Sorry.” Kenneth gave my shoulder a sympathetic slap before he went back inside.

  Could I get anything right?

  * * *

  At two thirty in the morning, a car pulled into my driveway. I couldn’t stop my brain from running through all the things he could have done to my daughter during that time—especially with her so upset.

  I stepped onto the porch just as Ree stepped out of the car. She gave Alex another smile and wave before he half peeled out of my driveway. Not even a glance back at the mess he’d dropped Marie into.

  “I have been calling and calling your phone. Where were you?” I did everything to control the anger in my voice, but I couldn’t open my jaw to talk. How was I losing Marie so completely?

  “You’re doing a great job of controlling your volume Dad, excellent work.” She breezed past me into the house, and her attitude stunned me.

  “Don’t you walk by me like that, Marie.” I followed her inside and locked the door behind us. “Where were you?”

  “Well, things are completely screwed up here, so I didn’t want to be here, Dad.” Her arms folded across her chest, and her words dug in like chisels.

  “I don’t care what’s going on here. You will not disobey me. You will follow your curfew, or there will be consequences.” Everything in me wanted to scream. Break a guitar. Do something.

  She pulled her phone from her pocket holding it out to me. “I think I should be grounded for a week because if you hadn’t royally screwed up, I wouldn’t have had a few of the crappiest days of my life, and I would have been home for curfew.” She put on a hard smile and my heart broke a little because it wasn’t her. She was hurting probably more than I’d guessed, and I didn’t know how to help when she shut me out so completely.

  “Marie.” But I didn’t know how to continue, and she dropped her phone in my hand.

  “Night.” She jogged down the stairs to her room leaving me in the living room feeling like I might explode. Maybe if I walked downstairs after a few deep breaths we could actually talk. It’s not like anyone was getting any sleep.

  I moved down the stairs, through our TV room and froze in the hallway. Ree was crying, and not little cries, but full body sobs.

  When she was tiny I could take her in my arms and she’d eventually fall asleep. That night I had no idea what to do. What had happened? Was it just Ashley, or was there more going on? Maybe I didn’t want to know. Maybe this is what she needed—to be alone. To let herself cry.

  I rested my hands on the wall and my forehead on my hands listening to the quieting sobs of my daughter and hating that part of her sobs were because of me. Maybe most of it. Maybe all of it.

  She’d never let me sit in there with her, but I could be here. When the hiccupping cries finally stopped and then the soft cries stopped, I closed my eyes, exhausted. My body stiff from standing in one place so long.

  Her breathing slowed to a steady rhythm and I touched her door handle, wanting to watch her sleep, just for a moment. But she seemed too old. The moment too private.

  My body was too heavy to move up the stairs so I crawled onto the worn couch in front of the TV and closed my eyes. When would my mistakes stop being thrown in my face? Or would they always be tossed back at me because I’d messed up too bad?

  I blinked back tears as I laced my fingers together and pressed on my eyes. I had no idea how to fix this. Any of it.

  NINETEEN

  Ashley

  I closed the blinds after I saw Marie come home. She was safe but I was still too tired to sleep. Why did it all have to be so hard? Why was it that the one person I’d opened up to, was the last person I should have? Or was I so warped by my experiences that I didn’t know how to process what I’d learned?

  “You’re still up?” Amy mumbled as she refilled her water glass in the sink.

  “Can’t sleep.”

  “Try, Ash. This is crazy.” She leaned against the counter, and I could tell even from here that she was trying to keep her eyes from fully opening so she could get back to sleep. “It’s been days.”

  “I’ll be fine," I choked out. “Go back to sleep.”

  Amy sat beside me, her eyes still half closed in sleep. “You love him, huh?”

  I tightened my jaw, my chest aching to the point it felt like I’d collapse. “No. I definitely don’t love him.”

  “You really need to sort yourself out, Ash. It’s obvious to the rest of us that you’re in love with that guy, or nearly. Don’t shut him out. Don’t shut us out. Their situation isn’t the same. You’re being juvenile, and I get it, I do… But really think about what you’re doing here.”

  We sat in silence for a few moments before Amy left and I leaned my head against the back of the couch hoping for any amount of sleep and for Amy to be a lot less observant.

  * * *

  After six days of just not going to my internship and not doing any of my transcript recording, or showering or eating or anything, I needed home.

  The second Mom answered, I started talking. “Mom, I’m coming home.”

  “No,” she snapped. “You are not coming back here. I’ll come to you, but I never want to see you in this hole again. Ever.” Her argument felt crazy. “Amy’s called three times. Why haven’t you answered my calls?”

  “Turned it off.” And I’d picked a perch on the edge of the living room couch where I could see the front of the Steeple’s house. I shouldn’t be watching them.

  “Well, I’m leaving shortly, so I’ll see you soon. And since I’m driving this far, I expect the full story and not the watered down ones you always give me.”

  I was too tired to argue and let the phone turn off as Mom hung up. If she said she was coming, she meant it. Maybe I should shower.

  * * *

  I stepped into Donetta’s office, and my fingers shook on the doorknob. For a week, I’d just disappeared.

  “Ashley.” Her brows went up as she turned from her computer. “I was beginning to wonder.”

  “I don’t think…” I sat in the chair across from her. “I wanted this so bad, but I can’t do it. Not right now.”

  Donetta nodded. “I know that case really shook you up, and now that I know a little more, I can see why.”

  “Wait… Who have you talked to?” I asked.

  “Amy called and said that you were sick.” She let out a breath. “And she might have mentioned a few other things about how involved you are in that case.”

  “Good of her,” I said. “We both know it’s more than one case.”

  Donetta nodded again. “Think about why you wanted to do this, and if there’s a way to use that passion or your law degree with something that doesn’t destroy you every day.”

  Tears welled up again as I stood. “I’m sorry. I have to go. Thank you.”

  What else was there to do with my life if I wasn’t helping rescue people like Josh? I couldn’t imagine feeling passion for anything that was less real. I just had to find a way to deal, and even though I wasn't sure that walking out of her office wasn’t the way to start that journey, I did it anyway.

  * * *

  Marie stepped into my room with red-rimmed eyes and I nearly leapt out of bed. “What’s wrong?”

  Amy gave me a smile and a quick wave before
pulling the door shut, leaving Marie with me.

  “I hate her. I hate my mom. We had to move because of her and dodge awful questions, and we had to testify because she demanded a trial, and now my dad’s a mess and I’ve lost you, too.” She folded and re-folded her arms, and I was in a position that I never dreamed of.

  I loved this girl. I wrapped Marie in my arms, and her body shook a few times as she tried to breathe and push the tears away. “You haven’t lost me. I’m right here.”

  “And Alex, and we almost did it but I couldn’t and he got mad, and Jen covered for me with Dad and now she’s mad at me, too… I’m running out of people, and…”

  “Shhh…” I’d looked at her and Trevor’s life as a perfect ideal, and it wasn’t. “Come on. Sit with me in my pile of pity.”

  Marie cracked a small smile as we sat on the large pile of blankets I’d accumulated since holing myself up.

  “I want you to know Dad was always a good dad to us.”

  I couldn’t internalize Brandt. Not right now. “We’re friends, Ree. Okay?”

  She nodded.

  “Outside of whatever’s happening between your dad and I.”

  “Okay.” She hiccupped. “I’m sorry, I just… I should have called, but I lost my phone—”

  “How did you lose your phone?” I raised my brows, but smiled a little so she’d know it was okay to talk.

  “Stayed out way past curfew.”

  “Bet your dad was worried.”

  Ree found a small smile through her tears. “Terrified. I’m sure. He has a great imagination.”

  “Don’t do that to him, okay?” I asked. And as I did, I realized I was panicking with him that night. Imagining a million awful scenarios as Ree was later and later… I also realized how much he cared about them. That some parents would go to sleep waiting for their kids, but not Brandt. He probably paced the house and the yard and probably dreamed up a million horrible scenarios during those couple hours.