After All Read online

  “You okay?” Ree asked.

  “Been better. The rug got pulled out from underneath me in too many areas at once.” I sighed. “I think right now I just need some time to process, and it’s not just the now stuff, it’s the then stuff, too.”

  “Yeah. I know that feeling.” She slumped lower.

  “I didn’t mean to shut you out, okay?” I watched her face for any sign of irritation, but saw none.

  She nodded. “Okay.”

  “I’m glad you came, Ree. I’ve missed you.”

  She glanced down, but a smile played on the corners of her mouth. We’d definitely be okay. Even if I was still hiding from her dad. I just… I still didn’t know what I wanted or needed from him, and when we spoke, I wanted to do it with a clear head.

  TWENTY

  Brandt

  “You know Mom hates how little you call her.” Cooper shoveled another enormous bit of pasta into his mouth.

  I hated admitting it, but in the week since I’d seen Ashley, he’d taken me to lunch on more days than not.

  “It seems unfair to call her now when I’ve completely screwed my life up again.” I leaned back in my chair, still having almost no appetite.

  “You really liked her, huh?” He chugged a few swallows of wine before attacking his giant plate of fettuccine.

  “It doesn’t much matter. Her past when compared with mine makes us opposites, and not in a good way. She hates what I did, and who I am for it.” And I can’t blame her. I hate myself for what happened.

  “Are you still there?” Cooper actually set down his fork. “Four years ago, Brandt. Let it go.”

  “You and I both know it’s not about the one night. It’s that I should have—”

  “Known…” Cooper widened his eyes as he picked up his fork again and waved it in the air. “Seen…”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s BS, Brandt. Jess always had that sweet deer in the headlights thing going on. No one would have figured it out.”

  “I should have.”

  “No one would have.” This time the fork was aimed at me. “It wasn’t all the time, Brandt. Even angry little Ree admitted that months would go by without incident.”

  I stuffed in another bite of spaghetti, but my stomach couldn’t take it.

  “Whatever happened with that Gabby woman you were avoiding?”

  I groaned. “She basically accused me of being a dirty old man for dating Ashley.” I ran a hand over my hair. Maybe lunches with Cooper weren’t the best idea.

  “You told her you were dating someone else and then told her who it was?” He leaned forward, almost dumping his shirt in his plate. “Are you crazy?”

  “Just not smart.” I shook my head and took a few sips of water. I had to find a way to work up an appetite.

  “Seriously, though.” He twirled his noodles on his plate, and I stared wondering if he’d actually down the whole thing. “If this Ashley girl is a big deal, fight for her.”

  “But she’s right, Cooper.”

  “So. Lorena’s right in that I can be a selfish asshole, but I still fight for her, and we’re still happy, and having just as much sex as we did ten years ago.” He shoveled another bite in.

  I started to ask him how he could eat over this conversation, but then remembered who I was talking to and sat silent. The problem was that I didn’t deserve to fight for Ashley. The best thing I could do for her was to let her go and hope she didn’t disappoint Ree and Trev.

  * * *

  Everything in me froze in my driveway when Ashley stepped out of a strange car. But something was off… The hair was almost right, the build was definitely right, but…

  Ashley’s eyes stared at me from a stranger’s face. No. Not a stranger. Older. Must be her mom. Sort of amazing that they looked the same from the back.

  She made no attempt to hide the fact that she watched me.

  I swallowed hard, waiting for her to say or do something. I wondered if Ashley called her, needing her mom, or if Amy’d had to do it for her. I hated that something so far behind me was what was keeping us apart, and at the same time, most of me understood. In Ashley’s mind I’d committed the worst offense of all. I had no idea how to fix something that was so many years out of my control.

  There was no way she could have expected me to tell her my whole messy story on our first date, and maybe it should have come up later, but it wasn’t just my story… I’d intended on talking to the kids about Ashley and what to expect with me dating, and about their mom and how Ash should know. We just never got the chance.

  Ashley’s mom gave me a nod and something that looked almost like a smile before hoisting her bag on her shoulder and moving toward Amy’s house.

  My chest caved in again as I wished I could be the one comforting Ashley instead of bringing her more pain. She’d certainly faced enough. I hated that the situation was what it was, but I couldn’t force her to listen and now that her mom was here, I hoped that space would be enough to bring us back together. As friends, if nothing else. Maybe that’s what I should be hoping for.

  TWENTY-ONE

  Ashley

  “So, I saw the neighbor.” Mom cocked a brow, her eighties shag in a mess around her face, and too many nights of eyeliner and mascara clouding her eyes.

  I pulled my blankets up more tightly as I sat curled up on the couch. “Yeah. That’s the thing with neighbors. They’re next to you.”

  “Don’t you be smart with me.” Mom shook her head as she sat next to me. “What’s goin’ on Ash?”

  “Everything. I’ve chosen everything wrong, Mom. I finally let myself get close to someone and now this. First Josh, and now this. And the internship ended up being a mess. I just… How do you do it? Keep falling in love?”

  “Because I don’t want to be alone. Because I’d rather have my heart broken than not use it.” Mom slumped so our faces were even. “I just think you need to think about whether you’re mad at Brandt, or at Josh’s dad.”

  Tears spilled over again, even though my eyes had been dry for days. “I don’t know. I don’t know how to tell. I don’t know what to do. I miss him but I hate him and I hate that I hate him because I think I could…”

  “I’d argue that you’ve fallen for him a lot harder than you think. And his kids. Otherwise this wouldn’t hurt so much. And you wouldn’t be so stubborn about this.” Mom balled up my hand and held it in her two like she did when I was a kid. My chest relaxed for the first time in something that didn’t bring tears.

  “Maybe.”

  “And that job you thought you were going to love is keeping you from letting the past go. I loved Josh, honey, but even without wretched parents, that boy was a mess.” Mom squeezed my hand again.

  “Maybe.”

  “No maybes. You loved him, and he needed it. Just don’t let that destroy you, okay?”

  Mom’s words hung between us for a few minutes before I pulled in a deep breath.

  “Now.” She stood up slapping her thighs. “I’m in need of a good breakfast. Wanna come to IHOP?”

  I snorted at what I knew Brandt’s reaction would be and nodded. “Sounds perfect, Mom.”

  * * *

  Ree and Mom were chatting like two thirteen-year-olds on my front porch as I smiled from inside. Maybe this would be okay.

  Mom stepped in, holding open the door. “Someone here for you.”

  “I heard.”

  “She’s adorable,” Mom whispered as she stepped past me and I stepped onto the porch followed closely by Amy who quickly stepped around me.

  Ree's brows went up a bit as Amy gestured to a chair and we all three sat.

  "Amy," I started. "What are you—"

  "Not here for you. I saw Miss Ree here in another session with the boyfriend the other night and we need to talk."

  I cringed, knowing Amy had about zero tact.

  Ree's eyes were wide on me, but I just smiled and shook my head. Then leaned back so Ree would know that Amy’s rant had nothi
ng to do with me. At the same time, I’d probably be glad for it.

  Amy leaned forward so far her chair threatened to flip. "Please tell me you're not having sex with that little slime."

  "I'm sorry, what?" I interrupted.

  "No!" Ree sputtered.

  "Whew." Amy slumped back. "Because seriously, wait. High school guys are selfish little pricks. Sex won't be good until college."

  I cringed and Ree's forehead wrinkled in confusion. "So, you're saying I should have sex with an older guy?"

  "No!" Amy and I said at the same time.

  Ree sat back.

  “No.” Amy rolled her eyes. “But doing it with him would be a mistake. That’s all.”

  And now that Amy had very briefly gotten her point across… "Amy. I think you've scarred her enough for one night, don't you think?"

  Amy gave a shrug and then winked at Ree. "Just trying to help out a fellow girl. We gotta stick together."

  "Yeah. Okay." Ree's eyes darted between us, and Amy gave her one more serious look before stepping back inside.

  I let out a breath of relief as the door closed. "Let me apologize for Amy. She tends to speak her mind."

  Ree's shoulders relaxed.

  “Wanna walk?” I asked. "Make sure you're not sucked into more of my crazy?"

  “Love to.” She stepped carefully down the front steps, biting her lip as she waited for me at the bottom.

  “Got something on your mind?” I asked as I slowly stepped down, glad again Mom had come and I’d been getting up and showering and working and behaving somewhat normal-ish. I still didn’t know what to do with the shocked sense of loss that continued to tug at me.

  “Yeah…” Ree trailed off as our feet shuffled on the sidewalk.

  A hot breeze blew across my face as we turned the corner. Ree still hadn’t spoken. Her phone rang, making us jump. I clutched my chest and we both laughed.

  She rolled her eyes. “Dad. Again. Worried about something I’m sure.”

  I wanted to tell her that it was awesome her dad was so worried but held it in. It’s not what Ree wanted to hear in that moment.

  Brandt’s worried voice reached my ears and made me weak. How did I still react this way? Instead of trying to tune out their conversation, I wanted more of him and listened in.

  “Are you sure she’s not just being polite, Marie?”

  “She’s fine. She’s right here. Do you want to talk to her?”

  Brandt sighed, and even that I felt. He sounded rough, tired. It was hard to hear him that way, but I didn’t know how to let go of what he’d done. It was too much and hit too close. Would there be a time around him that I wouldn’t remember? Wouldn’t be angry with him in some way for the sake of his kids? Or maybe it’s simply that I had to heal up myself before I’d be ready to hear his story.

  “Honestly, Brandt. I want to spend time with her,” I said loudly knowing he’d be able to hear.

  There was a long enough pause that I wondered if he was still there.

  “Tell her thank you, Ree. Okay?”

  “See you Dad.” And she hung up and we were once again, thankfully alone.

  “So.” I pulled Marie close as we started to walk. “Catch me up on Jen and Alex and everything, okay?”

  And I loved that she didn’t pause before jumping into the shopping day her and Jen had, and I didn’t miss the fact that she left Alex out of the conversation.

  So yes, I missed Brandt. But this was good. I could still see his kids, and we could still get along. But something had to change because I knew I was being pathetic, and that couldn’t continue.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Brandt

  Twelve days. I shouldn’t have been counting. It was stupid. It’s that it still hurt, and still felt longer. I pulled in to Taco Bell on my way home knowing the kids would be thrilled with our crap dinner.

  I slid my fingers over my phone a few times, wishing Ashley would call. Text. Anything. It was stupid, and at this point, I needed to let her go, and to focus on the fact that she was still talking to my kids. She’d gone to Trevor’s first football practice the other day, and I knew Ree had stopped in a few times. She felt so close, but further away than she’d ever been.

  I pulled up in front of my house to see Trevor, Ashley, Ree, Alex (shirtless and touching Ree on the arm) and Amy all shooting hoops in the front yard. I froze, wishing I could disappear down the block so I wouldn't interrupt. Ashley stopped briefly and then her mom waved at her and they climbed into Ashley's car. All the while, I knew I shouldn't watch her. My chest felt both like it would explode and cave in at the same time.

  Our eyes caught as they passed my car, and I couldn't let her go. There was still so much sadness and I hated myself a little again for how this had turned so wrong.

  Once Ashley was around the corner I gasped, not realizing I'd been holding my breath. I wasn't supposed to feel so much so fast. I should have dated someone for months before feeling so much. I pushed open the car door, flooding it with August heat.

  "How are you guys playing in this mess?" I asked as I stepped out.

  "Occasional sprinkler runs." Trevor grinned.

  Alex gave me a chin tilt as a hello, which made me want to lecture him on politeness and manners, and Ree's eyes were trained on his face with that puppy-like loyalty, which I wished I could shake out of her. She should still be grounded for her stunt, but when Ree texted to say Ashley and Amy were coming over... I just didn't want them to miss out.

  Trevor ran the ball for an easy layup, which earned protests from Ree and Alex about interference.

  And I stood still, watching Amy, wondering of there was a polite or easy way to ask about Ashley, whether or not Amy thought we might be able to salvage anything.

  "Wanna talk?" Amy stepped toward the house and I followed relieved that I hadn't had to find a way to bring it up.

  The cool air hit me in a welcome blast as I stepped inside.

  "You two are being stupid," she said as the door closed behind us.

  "Don't hold back, Amy. Tell me how it is." I tried to tease, but it came out all wrong.

  Amy sighed. "Look. I don't know how you feel about my friend, but—"

  "I miss her. I was just in the car and I—"

  "You knew her past. About Josh. Why didn't you tell her about your wife in a way that she would have felt sorry for you instead of this? She should feel awful for the situation that you were in, but now she’s just confused and hurt."

  "A question for you first."

  Amy nodded that I should go ahead.

  "Do you think that would have made a huge difference?"

  Amy's face fell a little. "She's so stubborn. I don't know."

  "And to answer your question. That is easily the worst time in my life. The worst. The thing that keeps me awake at night. That has kept me nearly single since my wife was arrested. I couldn't very well tell her the night Josh's dad came here. And it's not just my story, it's Ree and Trevor's as well."

  Amy nodded again in understanding.

  "And I'm not making excuses here, but we didn't have time, Amy. We hadn't been together that long. Of course now I wish I would have told her in the beginning. But if I could do it again, and if I could know she wouldn't find out on her own, I probably would have waited another week or two before we talked about it. Maybe even talk to her with Marie. I'd have expected she'd need some time to absorb, but—"

  "But it didn't happen that way."

  "No."

  "I would have told her before we...got more serious…" But I trailed off, knowing Amy would catch on. "I would have told her before that, knowing her well enough to know she'd need time."

  Amy took a long breath in. "Ashley and I are both funny about relationships. It's the fierce independence that comes from growing up with parents who were too busy working to be around. Or too busy being assholes to bother. Or just watching too much crap happen in good people's lives."

  We stood in the quiet for a moment, but I had to
know, even though in ways it was the last question I wanted answered. "Do you... Do you think she'll come around? At all?"

  "I don't know, Brandt. But I will say that every girl wants a guy willing to fight for them."

  "I don't want to drive her away. I'd rather have friendship than nothing." I didn't want to push too much, and there was still a part of me that felt like I should let her go.

  "Then tell her."

  "I don't..." I wasn't sure how without invading her space.

  "She's been staring at her phone a lot, Brandt. Don't make me spell it out for you." Amy moved back toward the door.

  "You're a good friend."

  "The best." She winked before stepping back outside and I fumbled with my phone before deciding on another text.

  TWENTY-THREE

  Ashley

  My new phone dinged in a text and I snatched it off the side table.

  Brandt: Being friends is better than nothing. Miss hanging out. Let me know when you’re ready to ask questions because if I were you, I’d have a lot. I’m ready to answer. More than ready. I want to answer. Say the word, Ash.

  Mom smiled and gave me a sideways hug, "I'm going home. Stop being your obstinate self and talk to the guy. No one is perfect, Ashley. I wish I'd have talked less about our people and other people, leading you to believe there was such a thing as a perfect life. Everyone has a mess somewhere.”

  "I want—"

  "You're holding on to this like you're holding on to Josh. Let it go."

  I grit my teeth, but almost immediately relaxed. There was no point in arguing with Mom.

  * * *

  Trevor stepped onto the back porch and slowly walked to where me, Josh, and his Snapple bottle sat in the grass.

  “Hey, Trev.”

  “Hey.” He sat near me and picked up a few daisies, twirling them between his fingers.

  “Where’s your smile?” I teased as I kicked his leg.

  “I’m tired.”

  My gut sank and then turned over. I slid Josh back into my bag. “What’s up?”

  “I just… I know you’re mad, but can I tell you the story how I remember it?”