After All Read online

  And then I realized the bookshelves that lined a whole wall, didn’t house books, but vinyl. Josh would freak. I stepped closer, just now seeing the record player on one of the lower shelves, and the few records stacked next to it. John Mayer, Jack Johnson, Ed Sheeran, Lights. Perfection.

  “I know.” Marie’s words were filled with exasperation. “My dad is such a granola. There’s never good snack foods here either.”

  I was still taking in the room, only half noticing that Amy, Kenneth and Brandt were already talking. My eyes landed on two guitars hanging on the wall. “Who plays?” My words came out in a whisper, even though I didn’t mean for them to.

  “Dad. But just old rock n’roll stuff. Nothing good.” Ree shrugged.

  I breathed in again and stared. “That’s the best kind.”

  “That’s what I keep saying,” Brandt interrupted with a smile that made my chest flutter like a high school kid.

  “Hi.” I stuck my arm out between us, more in nerves than a get-to-know-you gesture. “Sorry. I got distracted. I was admiring your house.”

  “Oh.” His brows went up in surprise. “Well, it’s definitely lived in.”

  “Maybe that’s what I love.” My hand still stuck between us and he half jumped before taking it in his.

  “Nice to officially meet you. Ashley Paige, correct?”

  “That’s me.” Our hands were still together, and my heart hammered as I finally loosened my grip. My body should not be reacting this way to someone I’d just met.

  “You moved here from Vegas, and I understand that Carson was Amy’s uncle?” His smile was perfect. Like Aquafresh perfect.

  “That’s right.”

  “Well, lucky us. Come on in. Dinner’s almost ready. We’re totally informal here, and I can’t remember the last time we had new people over.” He rubbed his hands together a few times, and I knew Kenneth had to be wrong. No way was he twenty years older. Ten? Fifteen? But not twenty.

  I followed him into what had to be the dining room, but there were so many plants hanging from the ceiling and in front of the window that it felt like…

  “We call this the jungle room,” Trevor said with a smirk. “Dad actually uses this stuff. I’m sure some of it’s in our dinner.”

  Amy stared at her plate with a blank look. “Is that safe?”

  “Of course it’s safe.” Brandt smiled wide as he brought dishes to the table. “Better than the food you get at restaurants with coloring and flavorings and ingredients that aren’t even food.”

  Marie sighed. “Welcome to my world, and my weirdo dad. Fast food no more than once a month. Hard rule.”

  “Thanks, Ree.” Brandt widened his eyes, but still smiled at his daughter. They looked so much alike. So much it sent a pang through me of missing Mom. We'd look like twins if we were the same age, and as much as I didn’t miss the old condo complex, I did miss her.

  “Fast food only once a month?” Amy laughed her full, loud, laugh. “Ashley and I would die of starvation.”

  Brandt didn’t say anything but had a small smile on his face as he brought three more bowls to the table.

  Trevor leaned toward me as soon as we sat down. “We give Dad a hard time, but nobody doesn’t like the food that comes from Dad’s kitchen.”

  “Good to know,” I whispered back. “Because Amy wasn’t kidding about the fast food.”

  “Maybe you could sneak me some fries sometime?” His long face pulled into an awkward smile.

  “I’m sure I could manage that.” I was getting a kick out of these kids. It felt like I was their age yesterday, but also like I’d grown a thousand years past that stage in my life.

  “And me too?” Ree leaned forward.

  “Of course.” I smiled again.

  The whole evening sort of passed in a haze of friendly banter and Marie and Trevor teasing one another and their dad, and it all felt so traditional-family-normal that it was from a different world. There were families, even broken ones with a missing parent, that functioned like the “different” people Mom always talked about.

  A nice house, worn and lived in. A room full of plants that weren’t dying. A real wood table and chairs that matched. They were people who lived in neighborhoods instead of run-down old condos. And people who had normal jobs that didn’t require bikini-ready bodies for work.

  Marie leaned over her brother and commented on everyone and everything. How Trevor would talk nothing but sports if we let him. How her dad worked as a social worker, which really meant that all he did was try to rehabilitate people who only wanted to check off a box on their parole and how her BFF Jenice was the coolest girl ever.

  “You should come to one of my games,” Trevor interrupted.

  “I’d love to,” I said before giving it any thought.

  Brandt’s dark eyes caught mine and my chest squeezed, so I looked quickly back to Trevor. The house and the food and the kids and the normal was too much. Put the “Clive Owen” on top of that, and it all added up to a massive amount of perfection, and something I wasn't sure yet what to do with. “What else do you play?”

  And this, just as Marie promised, led to a long discussion of all the comp teams and school teams that Trevor was a part of. And I didn’t mind. I was getting a glimpse into this kid’s life, and it was so…normal. Again that word. It wasn’t really the right thing to say because it all felt pretty idyllic.

  I knew as Brandt stood to clear the table, and Kenneth stood to help him that this was all way too real for me to date a “Clive Owen.” He had kids. Responsibility. He wasn’t a college guy looking for distraction, or someone to fill weekends. He’d want another mom for his kids, a lifelong partner or some other craziness. And that absolutely. Definitely. Was not me. Not right now. Not for a while.

  * * *

  Buzzing next to my head jarred me from sleep, and I rolled over in bed, totally disoriented until my hand found my phone.

  “Hello?” I croaked.

  “Sorry honey, we hadn’t talked, and I just got home from work and wanted to check in.”

  “Hey, Mom.” My whole body relaxed at the sound of her voice. I laid on my back but kept my eyes closed hoping to get a few words in and stay in enough of a sleepy haze that I could knock back off again.

  “How is everything in Mesa?” She sounded so hopeful. Mom wasn’t perfect. She got distracted with every new guy that came along, but that was just her. The fact that I’d gotten out of Vegas and was in law school was something we both celebrated.

  “Amy’s house is great. My room is functional. The neighbors are nice. The job is busy. And the weather is hot.”

  Mom laughed. “That’s my girl. Straight to the point.”

  “How’re you?” I asked.

  “You know. Working. Jimmy’s working, and I think he’s going to ask me to marry him.” She sighed.

  “Do you wanna marry Jimmy?” I asked. Mom and men were a disaster, but she’d only married one serious jerk and it didn’t take her long to dump him.

  “I’m not sure yet. He’d be number seven, and I just… It just seems… I’m not sure yet.” I could picture Mom with her fantastic eighties hair and cut off shirt to show off the abs she worked so hard for.

  “Well, it is four in the morning, so I’m going to try and catch a couple more hours sleep.” I yawned again as I tried to stay focused on our conversation.

  “Love you, sweetie.”

  “Love you.”

  We hung up and my eyes opened. She’d said nothing about Josh’s parents, making me wonder if they were finally listening to the restraining order and no longer calling. They didn’t know where I lived, and the relief from that was immense. I’d finally stopped looking over my shoulder when I stepped out of my car. Coming home day after day to the same people begging for their son’s ashes, which I was never turning over, was more than tiring. It was insane. And they hadn’t always been nice about the way they asked.

  I stared at the ceiling for a while longer before crawling out of
bed and changing into my running clothes. It was going to be an early run day today.

  Four

  Brandt

  I wasn’t sure if I hoped I would or wouldn’t see Ashley while running. For the past few days I’d left home a little earlier than normal thinking that it would be less likely to see her, and then found myself slowing down in the hopes that I would see her.

  She was so quiet through dinner a few days ago, like she was just soaking it all in instead of participating. I understood every second of her silence, because that’s where I liked to live—a bit impossible when you’re the host.

  As I rounded the corner for my last mile, she came around the corner from the opposite direction, and I nearly ran into her. We both stumbled once, and two strides later, we were running side-by-side—the exact situation I was both striving for and trying to avoid.

  My second wind ran out, and my chest began an attempt to suffocate me—suddenly reacting to the five miles I’d already gone. I quickly thought about taking the next turn and leaving her, but the turn came and went, and we were still running together…

  “How are you this morning?” I tried to smile and look less tired than I felt, suddenly not wanting to look my age.

  She jerked out an earbud making me feel bad for interrupting. “I’m good.”

  “You’re up early.” Which was sort of an obvious and stupid observation.

  “Mom called.”

  “She an early riser?” I asked, and Ashley snorted as she tried not to laugh.

  “So, no then.” I chuckled with her.

  “She was just getting home from work.”

  “Ah… Las Vegas hours then?” If I remembered right, all three were from the same small community of condos. Carson had wanted to get Amy out of there forever, but she refused to leave her friends behind… Though, I was sure Amy had three friends and not just two, but I could’ve been wrong.

  “Pretty much, yeah. She’s always worked Vegas hours. The oldest dancer in the line now and proud of it.” Ashley’s rhythm was easy and relaxed, and all I could hope was that she’d just gotten started and wasn’t finishing up like I was. “Think sparkly bikinis and big headdresses.”

  I had no idea what to say about her mom’s dancing because it was a so far from the realm of my very conservative growing up, I had nothing to contribute.

  “And you’re working with Donetta Harper.”

  “You know her well?” Ashley’s voice was so steady and calm that I laughed a bit at my own nerves.

  “The people you sentence usually hit my offices next,” I explained.

  “Right. Ree said.”

  Ah… Marie. There were probably a few things I needed to clear up there. “She obviously really likes you, but I know she can be a bit over-bearing. Just let me know if she crosses any boundaries. She was very excited that you gave her your number.”

  “Will do.” We ran in silence for a few moments, Ashley’s steps even and relaxed. “I was happy to. I can’t imagine being in a house full of boys.”

  It was something I thought about entirely too much and felt bad about, but didn’t know how to fix, so I changed the subject.

  “You always been a runner?” I asked.

  “No. I ended up in foster care for two weeks in high school and they were runners. I went with them once and was hooked.” She nearly cringed as the last words left her mouth, and I guessed she’d given me more information than she intended to.

  “One run, huh?” I asked instead of questioning her on the foster care issue, which seemed like something to be left alone.

  “Yep.” And then her brow furrowed a little, even though I was trying not to stare at her, and then she started talking again. “It was a weird misunderstanding involving my best friends’ parents and my mom. And she ended up in jail, and his parents were crazy, so I ended up in short term foster care until Mom could come home. She was protecting my friend. It was nothing sinister. I just wanted you to know.”

  “I think with my job, I’m probably the least judgmental person you’ll ever meet.” Maybe that would help her relax around me a little because after her near silence at my house the other night, she seemed like someone who shared only what she had to, and I was flattered she’d given me a story that I didn’t ask for.

  We jogged in silence for a few steps before I spoke again. “I’m sorry. I’m probably ruining your peace this morning, and your music.” And I watched her and tried to gather information about who she was, what she liked, if I was stupid for wanting to know more about her.

  “Beatles. My dad was obsessed. Him and my best friend…” She faltered a step as she trailed off.

  “Is he gone?”

  “No. He’s one in a line of husbands, and not my real father, just the one that was around the most when I was growing up. He lives on the east coast. We really only talk on my birthday and Christmas, but we seem to pick up where we left off when we do.” For the first time her voice sounded forced.

  “I see…” And I realized she let me in on her dad, but not the friend, and then my brain went back to remembering Carson saying it was Amy and three friends she refused to leave in the dump she grew up in—so what happened to the third?

  “So, Marie has a boyfriend,” Ashley said.

  “Oh…” I groaned. “Yes. And I… You don’t want to hear it.” The stress of it kept me up more nights than not.

  She slowed to a walk and I slowed with her, doing everything in my power to keep my breathing under control when my body fought to gasp for air. I had to look tougher than that. Younger than that.

  But for what, Brandt?

  “They just looked very close… And I promised I wouldn’t say anything…” She winced as she spoke, maybe realizing that by opening her mouth she had broken that trust a little.

  My chest swelled at the idea that Ashley felt enough loyalty to Marie to feel that way. She needed someone. Anyone that could be something positive in her life.

  “I promise not to let on that you did. You’re just our neighbor. I don’t expect you to step in and help her out or anything.” I pulled in a few large breaths, trying to get oxygen without seeming old and pathetic. “But without my mom living anywhere near us, and without their mom, and Marie not liking her aunt much, she’s at a total lack of an adult woman, you know?”

  “I hardly qualify.” Ashley’s eyes widened, and I had to find a way to backpedal because I did not intend for her to think I wanted or needed her to do anything here. I was crap at this. Even just having a normal conversation with someone I liked. Or maybe it was that she was the first person I’d even been attracted to since the disaster of Becky, and Ashley was completely off-limits and out of reach. Too many differences. Too many years.

  “Sorry.” I wiped my forehead. “I’m sure you’re taking this all wrong. Just don’t be afraid to come to me, and I will be very careful in making sure that it doesn’t get back to you.”

  “She’s a great kid. They both are.” Ashley finally looked my way and the sweat on her face, and dampening her hair made her look healthy and a bit sexy instead of a mess. “You do not look old enough to be their dad.”

  “I get that a lot. I got my high school girlfriend pregnant at sixteen, we had Marie and got married at seventeen, making me barely thirty three now, and I’m sure to be prematurely grey between the two of them.” I rested my hands on my head until I realized she might get a whiff of me and quickly dropped them to my sides—and I’d been making fun of Trevor just a week or so ago for the same kind of behavior.

  “Sounds busy.” She tugged at her damp bangs a few times.

  “Sorry.” I used the bottom of my shirt to finish wiping off my face. “I’ve ruined your run.”

  “It was nice.” And I don’t think she was just being friendly, which hit me a bit unexpectedly. Maybe Ashley and I would end up being friends of some sort… I glanced toward her again—her fine cheekbones and lean muscles… The chance of friendship being a comfortable option for me was slim. But it
was that or nothing, so maybe I could get used to it.

  “I tend to hermit up. I don’t mean to. After divorcing my wife several years ago… It’s just that… As a single dad of two teens, that’s sort of my whole life. And I was worried about losing Carson because he’s the only person aside from Mrs. Hetts who is a crazy cat woman, or my brother who comes with a fountain of issues that I talk to outside of work… And…” That was a lot more honesty than I meant to go for.

  Ashley paused and stared at me for a moment making me feel on display in a way I’m not sure I’d ever felt.

  “We all carry things with us we wish we didn’t.” Sadness flooded her features and then disappeared so quickly I wondered if I imagined it. But it didn't totally disappear. There was something in her eyes that still did feel sad, and I felt a rush of desire to know her well enough that she might share.

  She smiled a little, and then I smiled, letting the silence blanket around us in the warmth of something new.

  Maybe age was a silly thing to worry about. Maybe the casual dating thing would work. We could grab dinner once in a while. The thought of walking into a restaurant with her on my arm… Feeling her strength under my hands… Having that smile directed at me…

  My front door burst open. “Dad! Trevor took the last toaster tart!”

  I glanced up at Marie who grinned widely, reality sinking in hard. Ashley would never be walking into a restaurant on my arm. She was just getting her life started, and I was in the middle of mine. Best to dispel the random fantasy of being with her now.

  “Morning, Ree.” Ashley waved.

  I had to get out of here and deal with my day. Before chickening out, I reached out and touched Ashley lightly on the arm—maybe she’d just think I was a touchy kind of guy. That wasn’t too unusual. Already I was backpedaling on my reality. “Thanks for the company this morning.” And I turned and jogged up the porch steps.

  “Thanks,” she called after me, but I didn’t look back. I was afraid of seeing just friendship, of seeing more, of seeing nothing, but mostly of what I wanted to see from her and the implications both of seeing that and not. Because I was a chronic over-thinker and had to stop.