After All Read online

  * * *

  “I have a question for you guys,” I said as we drove to Cooper’s house.

  “First me,” Marie said. And before I could stop her, she continued. “Why is Aunt Julie babysitting us?”

  “She’s not babysitting you.” I knew they’d see through my ploy to keep Marie away from the house because I knew her boyfriend visited while I was at work. “She likes the help with the twins.”

  “She has a nanny, Dad.” Trevor scoffed.

  Right.

  “I just thought it would be fun to spend time somewhere with a pool.” Lie.

  Marie scoffed this time.

  “Sorry, Dad.” Trevor patted my seat. “You wanted to ask something?”

  “Would it be weird if I dated?” The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted asking on our way to Cooper’s because if he got wind I was even considering, the offers for setups would get a whole lot worse.

  “Ashley?” they asked at the same time.

  “What?” I tried to put as much surprise in my voice as I could. Of course that’s who I meant, but I was cringing a bit at the fact they’d caught on so quickly. And then I cringed again as I wondered what Ashley thought if I’d been that obvious.

  “Way to go for the younger wo-man…” Trevor wagged his brows and held up his hand in a high-five.

  I rubbed my eyes as we pulled to a stoplight. “No… I just meant… In general… If I started dating.”

  “As long as it’s not that horrible Gabby woman.” Marie groaned.

  “Gabby’s very nice,” I retorted, which was stupid because I internally groaned when I thought about going out with her.

  “Go for it, Dad. Time to get back in the saddle or whatever. You’re not too old to date, right?” Trevor laughed.

  His remarks at my age shouldn’t surprise me, and I also shouldn’t have felt attacked, but I still felt on the defense. “Some people don’t get married for the first time until they’re my age. Of course I’m not too old to date.”

  “Yeah…” Marie eyed me skeptically. “You do have that first marriage against you. And us. I mean, really. How many women would want to deal with someone who has their own family, unless—”

  “Oh. No. Dad.” Trevor grasped my seat from behind, his voice desperate. “You can’t date anyone with kids because if you got married, we’d have to deal with that, and I couldn’t take it. The twins are bad enough and they’re just cousins.”

  Their words spun faster in my brain than my thoughts did. “I’m not—”

  “And no one too nosy. I hate nosy people.” Marie’s face wrinkled up and I tried not to laugh because she was the nosiest person I knew.

  “And nobody with cats. Not after Mrs. Hetts.”

  I waved a hand in the air to quiet them. “It was just a thought. Forget I said anything.”

  “I still think you should ask Ashley out.” Marie grinned.

  “She’s too young.” I shook my head trying to push away the idea even though it was not only firmly planted, but thought about. Often.

  “Experiences can make people older than they really are.” Marie folded her arms.

  “And what would you know about experiences?” I asked, but immediately cringed as the possibilities shot through my head. “Never mind.”

  Marie frowned, and I knew what she was going to say before she said it. I wasn’t sure if it was worse or better than the scenarios involving Alex that had just screeched through my brain. I held my breath, waiting.

  “I experienced Mom.”

  Worse. It was definitely worse.

  We drove in silence as I thought about the many ways I’d failed them as a father. With so few years left at home, I wasn’t sure that I’d ever be able to make it up to them.

  It was a really bad start to my morning when all I wanted to do was take the day off and hug them more times than either would tolerate—even Trevor. No, I had a few more years dedicated to my kids before I even thought about dating again.

  Five

  Ashley

  I carried Josh upstairs as I got ready for a drive.

  “Figure it out?” Amy asked as she crossed her arms, showing her irritation over the Josh situation. “What you’re doing with him?”

  “Nope.” I really wasn’t in the mood to have this runaround.

  “You’re just going to go drive around and see if something looks right?” She raised a brow as she pulled her toaster waffles up and dropped them on a plate. “While carrying him around with you?”

  I waited for the lecture, but she’d stopped talking. “Yep.”

  Amy sighed and now I knew I was going to get the lecture. “I know you loved him, Ash. But he was always sick. Mentally. He wasn’t even always nice to you. Why are you holding on so hard?”

  Tears pressed against my eyes because she just didn’t understand Josh like I did. “I’m not. It’s just that—”

  “It’s got to feel right. I know, Ash. But no place is going to feel right unless you have a feeling about that place, and I don’t think it’s going to happen as you just drive around.” She frowned. “I think it’ll happen after you have experiences somewhere.”

  “Well, whatever.” At that point I just wanted out of the house.

  Amy pushed out a frustrated sigh, and I knew she was thinking what she’d stopped saying. He was gone. His ashes were not him. I was betraying the reason he gave me charge over them.

  I spun away from her just as if she had said those things and stepped out the front door.

  Just as I hit the steps, I caught Brandt’s eye. This was the problem with living next to someone you might like… They see the stuff you’d rather keep hidden for just a little bit longer. I gave him a quick wave, and hoped he hadn’t seen Josh, but he glanced down at my arm and there’s really no way to hide an urn because it just is so obviously an urn. Unless he thought I was going driving while mixing martinis.

  Whatever. Too late to fix. Josh and I had sight-seeing to do.

  * * *

  “So, the neighbor guy is cool and maybe kind of hot,” I started as I drove.

  Only Josh wasn’t around to answer, so I just kept talking.

  “I know. But the fact that he has kids isn’t as weird as I thought it would be.” Maybe it’s that I didn’t expect to feel at home in a situation that was so… I wasn’t sure how to describe it. Brandt had this good, steady job, and a nice house, and two kids who were busy and doing good things and no one lived next to a drug dealer, or grew pot plants in their closets…

  And then Josh would say something about how is that possible, and then I could tell him… I’m not sure what. As soon as I thought about it. Really thought about it, I was back to our dinner and loved the realness or normalcy of it all. I’d done a good job of avoiding any kind of relationship since…mostly forever. Maybe now it was time to move forward.

  Josh would give me a tsk-tsk over that one. Easy. He was always trying to set me up, but there was never room in my life for more than him when he was around. Not really.

  “This is stupid, Josh. How am I supposed to know what to do with you?” I glanced over at the urn in the passenger’s seat, and the absurdity of what I was doing hit me like it sometimes did.

  I was talking to nothing. To ashes. I was driving around with ashes in my car. Crazy. It was crazy. But he needed so much more love when he was alive, and it was like by taking extra good care of him now maybe I could make up for it. Which was stupid. I couldn’t make up for asshole parents or a dad who thought he could beat the gayness of out his son. I’d loved him fiercely when he was alive—imperfections and all.

  I hated his parents for driving him to do what he’d done. Hated. But it hadn’t changed anything. I wasn’t able to save him. Kenneth wasn’t and Amy wasn’t and I wasn’t. But still. Josh and I were the closest. I should have known. Stopped him. It was absolutely the last time I’d fail anyone.

  I’d just changed into my old college sweats after work when my phone rang. “Hello?”
/>   “Ashley?” Marie.

  “It is my phone.”

  “Right.”

  There was a long pause. Long enough that I almost wondered if we’d been cut off.

  “Did you need something?” I asked.

  “Oh, yeah. So, my dad promised some lady from his work that he’d take her out to some ballet or theater something?”

  “Okay.” I felt a little twinge at that, which was bizarre. Brandt could go out with anyone he liked. And seriously, he was a great catch. I began to realize how stupid I’d been in thinking, maybe I’ll move forward, maybe I won’t... Because the chances of him being single or staying single were slim. All I had to offer was a weird background and a mountain of student loans.

  “So, Trevor and I are allowed to stay home alone but we have to have an adult contact nearby. Usually it’s Mrs. Hetts, but she’s old and doesn’t hear well and always comes to check on us and then she rambles on and on about her cats.”

  I held in a laugh. This must be the cat lady Brandt mentioned on our run. “So, you want me to be your check-in person?” All I could think was how few minutes it would take from the time Brandt left to when Marie’s boyfriend would come slithering by. With Brandt’s high school experience, I guessed the boyfriend had him paranoid.

  “Would you?” Her voice was unabashedly hopeful

  “Sure.” I smiled. “I was planning on hanging out and watching an old B movie or something.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Are you kidding?” I laughed again. “You know, an old black and white that’s supposed to be creepy? That might not be the official definition, but it’s my definition.”

  “Cool.”

  “I can bring it over if you want. I have Creature From the Black Lagoon.” Even if they didn’t like the movie, it could be something to make fun of, or an obsession of mine they might get involved in.

  “Really?” Marie’s voice was turning into her high-pitched, excited teenager voice.

  “I can’t imagine you’d find this interesting,” I warned.

  “No, no, it sounds great.” Her enthusiasm for something she didn’t even understand cracked me up, until I realized she was interested because of me. The thought left me stunned for a moment.

  “So, I’ll come over about seven?” I asked.

  “Yeah, Dad will be leaving in a few.” Her squeal was cut off as she hung up the phone.

  So strange to be in a position where I felt like an adult.

  * * *

  I figured there was no point in getting dressed just to hang out with Trevor and Marie. I pulled my hair off my neck, rolled up my snug sweatpants to my knees, stuffed on shoes, and walked over.

  I knocked expecting Marie’s over-excited face, and Brandt opened the door in a tux. His hair still flopped in twisty ways, and his eyes were deep, as always, but when paired with the tux... Broad shoulders… Every reason that James Bond is in a tux hit me in good places. Because… Just… A man dressed this way was meant to be admired.

  “Wow.” It came out before I had a chance to stop it. Okay, so this put a whole new spin on why I felt sometimes uncomfortable around Brandt. I mean, there was no denying he was a good-looking guy with a sort of indescribable warmth, but he was also . . . just, wow. A guy who can be comfortable in worn out jeans and old KISS T-shirts, but who could also pull off…this.

  His cheeks reddened. Like a kids’. But it really helped dispel some of the tension. “I didn’t realize you were coming over. Marie just said you’d be her adult call.”

  “Yeah.” I held up the movie, attempting to recover from how Brandt looked. “We’re watching The Creature From the Black Lagoon.”

  “Props to you for getting them to watch it.” He smiled. “I’m envious. It sounds like a lot more fun than what I’m about to do.”

  “The theater?” I asked feeling a relief at his reluctance. Maybe this woman wasn’t someone he actually liked? Maybe his date wasn’t something I should worry about. Or think about.

  “Ballet. Swan Lake.” His voice was flat.

  “I’ve never been.” It sounded pretty amazing to me. I couldn’t even imagine being on the arm of someone who looked like him, well, or acted like him. Just being welcome in their house felt pretty amazing.

  “To Swan Lake? Or to the theater? Or the ballet?”

  “None of the above,” I answered. “I’ve seen a few rock concerts but that’s it.”

  He was still and staring. “Never?”

  “No. Never.” We hadn’t all grown up the same way. He of all people should know that.

  “Well, I’m going with the wrong girl then.” He smiled. I looked him up and down again and felt my stomach tighten in response. I had to do something about the way I was reacting to him. New job and new boyfriend in only a few months would be too much. Would it?

  I looked down at my hoodie and sweats. “Nope.” I shook my head. “I don’t think so.”

  Brandt laughed. “I don’t even know how to thank you for coming over here tonight.”

  “It’s just a movie, Brandt.” But his words flattered me, just the same.

  “Not just tonight…” He gaze was soft and penetrating. I held my breath. Definite nervous tingles. Maybe he was interested.

  “Mostly I don’t trust the boyfriend, so I thought if I were here…”

  He stared and the gratitude filled his brown eyes. “Thank you, really, I—”

  The ring of his doorbell, nearly sent me two feet into the air, and my eyes dropped to the floor. He didn’t move.

  “Coming!” Marie yelled from downstairs.

  She almost ran into me at the top. “Oh, you’re already here.” She looked confused.

  “It’s Gabby,” Brandt said. “Long story but the simple version is that she’s getting dropped here. We’re taking my car, and I’m dropping her off at her mother’s house.”

  “Oh.” Marie oozed annoyance.

  Brandt walked away and opened the door. I couldn’t go downstairs yet—curiosity held me still. Gabby stepped inside and was everything I wasn’t. She was taller than me by several inches. She had blonde hair, maybe real, maybe not. She had curves where I was straight from the running, and she stepped into the house like she lived there. Her dark blue, floor length gown swept in behind her. I’d never worn or owned anything like it, and suddenly wished I’d at least put on a clean shirt and nice jeans.

  She belonged here. I definitely did not. Well that sucked. Over before I even had a chance.

  “Hello there, Marie.” She said with a little too much enthusiasm. She was the reason I’d hated adults as a teen. Well, one of the reasons.

  I found myself slouching against the railing to the stairs with Marie, probably blending in way more with the fifteen-year-old than I wanted to in front of her dad. Though, putting myself on the same level as Gabby would have been futile. I adjusted my bra strap back under my tank wishing I’d have showered.

  “Hey… Gabby.” Marie waved with the lack of intensity that takes practice.

  “Well, don’t wait up!” She raised her eyebrows and reached her hand out for Brandt. He looked over his shoulder at us and made a face of mock desperation that made me stifle a giggle. I watched them walk out the door, a pang of jealousy in my chest even with his lack of enthusiasm.

  “Ashley.” Marie stepped in front of me. “Should we raid the pantry for snacks? I mean, my dad doesn’t have anything actually good in there but…”

  “Oh, yeah.” I nodded. I was feeling a bit like the kid from next door. The older babysitter or something like it, which was kind of what I was, I guess. Pinpricks of sadness hit me because I might be stuck in that position.

  * * *

  Trevor and Marie’s eyes widened as the creature swam underwater, getting closer and closer to the heroine’s legs. It was the whole reason I loved this movie. Trevor reached out and grabbed Marie’s foot.

  “Ahh!” She jerked and kicked him in the face.

  “Ow!” Trevor grabbed his cheek.


  “Well, what did you expect?” Marie tucked her feet underneath her with a fierce scowl. “Don’t touch me.”

  “Whatever.” He put as much attitude as he could manage into that one word and turned back to the movie.

  This was Josh and I, only we weren’t forced to act like brother and sister, we chose to. Sadness gripped my chest like every time I thought about him too much.

  As the movie finished, my week caught up to me, threatening to put me to sleep on their large couch.

  “I am now your official call person.” I stretched and stood up yawning. “I’m too tired to stay here. Be nice to each other.” I pointed back and forth until they both smirked back and gave me an eye roll.

  “I’ll walk you out,” Marie said. My hope was that it was too late for her boyfriend to be stopping in, and anyway, I’d had fun.

  “Thanks, Ash.” Trevor waved as we walked up the stairs and out of the basement.

  “See ya,” I called down.

  “I hate it when Dad goes out.” Marie slumped when we hit the dark living room.

  My heart jumped. “Does it happen often?” I shouldn’t be curious but I couldn’t help it. Not after the twinges of jealousy that crept in when he left.

  “Almost never.” Marie shook her head. “He dated one lady not long after Mom, well, Jessica, left but that’s pretty much it. I don’t think she was good for him.” Marie looked at me with a smug smile, like she had information that she probably shouldn’t have.

  “Oh.” There was no point in poking around in my neighbor’s life. “Well, I’m off.”

  The front door opened just as I was about to grab the handle. “Ugh.” Brandt said. “Next time someone from work wants me to go out with them, make me tell them no, please?” He didn’t even pause as he walked past us and slouched down on the couch.

  “Bad was it?” I laughed a little as Marie and I exchanged glances. I should not have been so relieved at the news.

  Older.

  Kids.

  Busy.

  And probably not interested.

  I’d have to repeat those things often if I was going to maintain my sanity around him.