After All Read online

  "Funny." I bumped him with my elbow, and he responded with a smile.

  And then I thought about meeting up with Brandt, and nervousness slid through me again.

  Yes. Our evening should definitely be interesting...

  * * *

  The restaurant’s creamy walls, dark wood, and soft, glowing lights couldn’t push my nerves away. I looked over my shoulder every three minutes toward the front door. Salad was done. The jokes about my non-existent date were slowing down. I’m sure everyone was afraid he actually wouldn’t show. I definitely was.

  I knew none of these people, and the conversation was focused on school and sports and who had hooked up with who at the last Arizona State law student party. All eight of them. It felt like a Marie-level conversation, not a law student conversation. And then self-consciousness nagged at me as I thought about how this might feel to Brandt, who I’m sure had reservations about my age, just like I had with him.

  Amy giggled again, and I looked up to see Taylor’s hand on her shoulder, and Kenneth nuzzling the blonde who did, in fact, look as if she might match him for neatness, her hands resting in her lap, and not a hair out of place.

  Amy peered behind me. “Whoa.”

  I turned my head to see Brandt walk in. There was nothing scruffy about him as he followed the server toward our table. He’d shaved and even gotten a haircut, but even still there was something informal and maybe a twinge uncertain about the way he moved toward the table. Brandt made all these guys look like boys. What was I thinking asking someone like him out on a date?

  I stood up without thinking and our eyes met. He paused for a moment and then a smile broke out across his face.

  “Ashley.” He stopped barely a half step from me, some of the awkwardness of him came back as he shoved his hands in his pockets before jerking them back out and smoothing his jacket.

  I swallowed and looked up at him. Brandt was a lot taller than me. And close enough that I could feel the warmth from his body. My heart sped, and I held my breath.

  “You look…” He touched the lower part of my cheek briefly. “You look incredible.”

  I breathed out in relief. Relief that he made it. Relief from the knowledge that he wanted to be here and that he wasn’t afraid to tell me I was beautiful in front of a table full of people.

  “Ahem.” One of the guys at the table cleared their throat.

  I turned to Amy’s group while doing a pathetic job of holding in my smile. “This is Brandt.”

  “It’s nice to meet all of you.” He gave a quick nod, and I wondered if our crowd had made him more nervous than normal. It was a little silly seeing as he definitely stood out, and in a good way.

  Brandt stood behind my chair so I could sit. Amy watched me carefully, not doing the best job at suppressing her smug smile.

  Our food came moments after Brandt sat down.

  “Ahh… Looks like my timing was perfect.” He rubbed his hands together as his plate was placed, and his smile made him seem a little more relaxed than when he first walked in.

  Everyone laughed and he leaned toward me until I could feel his breath on my face. He spoke low in my ear, the vibration of his voice forming a knot in my stomach. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here earlier and thank you for asking me to be here. Your dress is outrageous. You are stunning, like you have this whole Hepburn thing going on with your hair and eyes. Beautiful, Ashley.” He touched the edge of my temple with his fingers, seeming in no hurry to move away and also didn’t seem to notice that almost everyone at our table stared.

  I didn’t have words. It was such a simple thing, but in that moment it meant everything. I was next to someone who I’d let in more than anyone but Amy and Kenneth, and I liked him. It finally, finally seemed like he might feel the same.

  “Thank you,” I whispered back. No way I’d be able to eat, and no way would I be thinking about anything but the man next to me tonight.

  * * *

  “And then this guy…” Amy’s date leaned toward Kenneth as we stepped out of the restaurant, still talking too loud. “Pulled the best stunt. You had to be there.”

  I paused on the sidewalk, suddenly not wanting to be in the group anymore.

  “You okay?” Brandt paused next to me. “Because a few more minutes in the heat, in this jacket, and you won’t want to be near me.”

  “Can we skip out on the theater?” I asked. “These aren’t really my people, and…”

  “And the conversation feels like a half-step up from a frat party?” Brandt asked.

  My gut sank because he’d think this was me. What I was like and it wasn’t. Maybe that's why he'd pulled away since the night I crashed at his house. “Like I said. These aren’t my people.”

  “Come on!” Amy hollered as Brandt and I continued to let them get ahead.

  “I’m not feeling good,” I called. “Sorry. Tell your boss thanks for the tickets.”

  “Are you sure about this?” Brandt whispered. “I don’t want to take you away from—”

  Oh. Crap. “I’m sorry, were you excited about the show, or…”

  He took both my hands in his, stopping my heart and then sending it into a sprint. “Honestly, I was looking forward to spending an evening with you. That’s all.”

  “Ashley?” Amy called again as she started to pull away from Taylor.

  I waved as she continued to slowly walk up the sidewalk. “See you at home!”

  She gave me a smirk that said she didn’t buy my story for a second, but that was okay. I’d probably be in desperate need to talk to her after tonight anyway, no matter what did or didn’t happen.

  I dropped one hand and kept the other as I started back toward my car. “Did you know there’s a drive-in movie theater here?”

  “Of course.” He scoffed. “I grew up here, remember?”

  “Oh. Right.”

  He gave my hand a squeeze nearly making me stumble. “Sounds perfect.”

  To me, too.

  * * *

  “Wait.” Brandt chuckled as I crawled into the backseat. “This is completely unfair. You get to change into regular clothes?”

  “It’s my car. If you hadn’t been late, I could’ve warned you,” I teased.

  He sighed and suddenly I felt bad for teasing.

  I slid out of my dress and threw on my tank top before realizing I had no bra with me. Nice. I snatched my shorts next, hoping he wouldn’t notice. Though, he was a guy. “What kept you?”

  The pause was long enough for the mood in the car to change from teasing, to something more weighted.

  “A kid I had for alcohol treatment about a year ago. He’s going through a rough time, and stopped in. He’s not the kind to just stop by unless it’s serious, so…”

  Josh. It’s all I can think. Josh went in and out of state rehab as part of parole three times. He was caught with weed on him next to the gas station when he got in a fistfight, and the other two had to do with fighting with his dad, at which point his dad blamed his “anger management” problem. I’m not sure how Josh didn’t end up in foster care or how his dad never ended up in jail, but if I know Josh, it was because he covered for his dad again and again. Hoping for some recognition. Love. Anything.

  Would things have been different for Josh if one of his counselors had been Brandt? I’m not sure.

  “Good of you,” I said as I slid back into the front, my chest suddenly tight. “Actually, really great.”

  Brandt’s eyes were hard on me. “And here I thought the backless dress was distracting.”

  I glanced down at my black tank. Definitely obvious I was missing a bra. “Eyes on the movie.” I shoved his arm, glad to be back to something like teasing. "Psycho is a classic, and I'll not be missing any of it."

  “Of course.” A corner of his mouth quirked up.

  And now it felt like a date, but a relaxed one. His jacket was in the back with his tie. His shirt was unbuttoned and his sleeves were rolled up to his elbows. I let myself watch him for a
moment. His clean shaved face, and strong jaw. The hard muscles so obvious under his white shirt, and I’d seen his legs what felt like a hundred times when we ran, but the way his black pants cut around his thighs… And here he was in my car, because I’d asked him, because his kids were out of town.

  “Eyes on the movie,” he teased, but his eyes didn’t leave the screen and his smirk was enough for me to know it was okay.

  Actually, it was all way better than okay.

  TEN

  Brandt

  I hated being so back and forth with a woman who was so perfect and gorgeous and fun. Hated it.

  She nearly unwound me as she crawled around in her car in her cutoffs, and small tank. After doing everything in my power to watch the movie instead of watching her watch the movie, we were driving home.

  It was way too soon and not soon enough.

  “Wait.” She glanced my way. “Where’s your car?”

  “At work. Took a cab to meet you downtown. Long story involving parking lot construction and my lateness.”

  “Do we need to get it?”

  I shook my head. I didn’t want to say goodnight to her in the parking lot at my work. “I’ll deal tomorrow.”

  “How? That sucks. Let’s just do it now.” She smiled wide. “You can show me your office.”

  Flashes of a few things I’d love to do to her in my office floated through my head, but I shoved them away. I still had no idea what I was doing here. Only that I was sitting next to a woman I really wanted to sit next to. After that, it was a mess.

  “Okay. Take the next left.”

  In what felt like seconds we were at my office, across the parking lot, through the secured doors and in the hallway, bumping into each other more often than not and me desperately trying not to notice, again, the lack of bra.

  She leaned against the wall as I unlocked my door. “Bet you have a messy office.”

  “You guess correctly.” I held open the door for her and she ducked under my arm to get through, her side brushing against me on her way, further tightening the anticipation.

  Ashley paused in the center of the small, white brick room. Every horizontal space held books and stacks of files. “It’s not as big as I expected.”

  “No large couches and open spaces for people to spill their guts,” I agreed.

  Her smile was wide as she turned to me. “So, mostly you do group stuff then?”

  I was strung up too tight in nerves to guess if she cared or was just making conversation. “Mostly. Yes.”

  Her deep eyes were on me, and a hint of a smile played at the edges of her mouth. “Is this the part of the night where you tell me you had a good time even though you were stuck in tuxedo shoes and dress pants all night?”

  “It was fun, Ash. Really.”

  She blinked and I swear her eyes changed a little each time. She took one step closer, and I knew it in that moment I could kiss her. That she’d be okay with it. That she’d probably kiss me back.

  I couldn’t breathe. My tongue swelled up and I shoved my hands in my pockets. I was panicking like an idiot.

  Two kids. Ages. She was still a student. I’d only barely convinced myself that I could be a dad, and now what… I was going to rob another woman of her youth with my kids? Jessica had been unsure of keeping the baby both times we got pregnant, but we had. I thought I could carry her, and them and me. And I couldn’t. Ashley would be stepping in and just… I wasn’t sure what.

  “We should go.” I stepped back out of the office, staring at the carpet because I couldn’t take any amount of surprise, disappointment or relief that might be in her eyes.

  Too many things spun around in my head as we silently walked through the dark hall together. No teasing bumps or accidental brushes this time. My brother would want a full report and what would I say? We all found a friend? My mistake?

  Actually. Probably yes. But the moment that thought went through my head, selfish as it was, I was desperate for more.

  Ashley leaned against her car and stared at me with her huge, dark eyes.

  “Weren’t you going to kiss me goodnight?” She put enough tease in her voice to keep herself safe, which I could totally understand.

  And I wanted to. Glanced at her lips. Thought about running my hand around her waist. About how her body would feel next to mine.

  “I’m totally flattered, but—”

  The way she cringed and then tried not to show it twisted my gut. She held her hand up between us, her face going flat. “Please. Just… I don’t know. Let me walk away with some dignity, okay? I won’t bring it up again if you won’t.”

  “No.” This wasn’t what I wanted at all. “Gah.” I ran a hand through my hair like it would somehow help me think of the perfect thing to say and walked closer to her. “It’s not that I don’t want to. I mean…look at you. And I love running with you and talking and…”

  She looked hurt, rejected, everything I didn’t want her to feel. And the sadness I'd seen in her eyes seemed magnified.

  “Trust me, Ashley.” I moved toward her until my arms rested against the car on either side of her. Not the best position for keeping my distance, but I loved being so close. “I’ve thought about kissing you a million times since you moved in. And even more once I got to know you. I don’t get what you see in me.”

  Our breathing echoed between us, and she leaned in first, letting her eyes fall closed. I leaned in and brushed my lips across hers once, then again. Her hands found their way around my neck, and she pulled us together further.

  Everything about her felt perfect. Her small lips, her strong arms. Her warmth.

  Maybe I was being stupid. Ridiculous. Over thinking.

  I slid my hands around the waist I’d stared at too many times, and brought her closer, deepening our kiss. There was no rush. We had nowhere to be, and as our tongues slid together and the saltiness of her lips touches mine, and her body arched toward me. I couldn’t imagine letting her go.

  “I feel safe,” she breathed. “With you.”

  Her words crashed into me and I slid my hands to her face, cupping her small cheeks. I knew enough of her past to take her words as the compliment they were. How did a kiss feel like so much more? We hovered for a moment, both waiting for the other to make the first move until our lips met again. We kissed even slower this time. Like we were feeling each other. Tasting each other. Enjoying the moment in the quiet dark of the empty parking lot.

  Ashley leaned back slightly, and I let her go, still watching her, still locked into the moment. I wanted this to be just Ashley and me, but starting something with her was about so much more.

  I rubbed my face with both hands and took another deep breath in. “We need to talk.”

  She shook her head with this knowing look in her eye as if she knew what I was going to say. “I just—”

  Now that I knew there was definitely something here, we had to have the conversation I didn’t want to. The one where I’d have to lay out my situation and my fear of getting involved with anyone. “I’m not just me. I’m me and two other people. I have to talk.”

  “Fair enough.”

  I took her hand and we both leaned against the edge of the hood of my car. Her hand was so small, but so strong, and I ran my thumb across her palm over and over. The soft skin I’d been wanting to touch since we met. Ashley’s face looked more vulnerable than I ever remembered seeing it, and I wanted to wipe that vulnerability away. Wanted to see her strength like I did when we ran or when she talked to Ree and Trevor.

  “You’re worried about your kids,” she guessed.

  “Yes. Of course. It’s more than that, though. It’s me not being able to help but wonder if you know what you’re in for with me. What you’ll miss out on by being with someone older.” If you’ll end up feeling the same frustration Jessica had.

  “We’re not talking marriage, Brandt.” She actually scooted away, and I was equal parts relieved and terrified of what it might mean.

  �
��I know…” How to explain without sounding like an ass. “I can’t do the casual dating thing, and at your age, that’s what you should be doing.”

  “What were you doing at my age?” She bumped her shoulder to mine with a soft smile. Some of her strength was coming back, and I was relieved. Mostly because her seeming strong would make me feel like less of a jerk with the horribly awkward position I was putting her in.

  “Wrestling with a four and five year old and eating Ramen noodles while I did everything I could to get through school as fast as possible.” Maybe now she’d get it. What I wasn’t sure she was ready for.

  The smile fell from her face as she absorbed what I just said.

  “And you turned out okay.” She reached forward then and pushed her finger into the dimple on my left cheek. The one I hated before this moment.

  “I know I could really fall for you, and I don’t know if you feel at all the same, but I feel like…”

  She pushed off the car and stood facing me, close enough that one of her legs rested between my knees. “You feel like you’re worried about me because you’re older, have kids, and don’t want to just mess around.”

  “Yes. That.” I nodded knowing that it could go either way. That she could decide either way. Or the most likely is that she’d push forward and realization on her part would hit so late that it might ruin us both.

  “I don’t think the kid issue is as big as you think it is.” She cocked her head to the side, watching me. “I already adore your kids—”

  “It isn’t the same as being a parent. As being put in the awkward position of being together or breaking up, with the kids.”

  “I know that.” She sighed as she rested her hands on either of my shoulders. “Can we just…go out? Relax, Brandt. Maybe we’re not as far apart as you think we are.”

  “Maybe we aren’t.” I stood up and wrapped my arms around her, knowing that probably nothing I said really sank in, but I guess I should be flattered that she shrugged off my concerns and wanted to do something else together. “Night, Ashley.”