After All Read online

  She tightened her arms around my back and leaned her head on my chest. Perfect. She fit perfect. “If I walk you to your door when we get home, would I get another kiss?”

  “You have to know how much I want to.” And more. “But… It’s that I need for you to really think about this. I don’t even feel like it’s fair for me to ask so much of you right now. I’m asking you to make this big decision before we get more involved. But I like you enough to already be involved, and your relationship with my kids happened before this. I know… I know it’s not fair of me to be basically asking what your intentions are… Or whatever this is.” I suddenly felt like an idiot, but it all still needed to be said.

  She backed out of our hug. “But you can’t date someone without your kids, and now I feel like I’m being punished because I met your kids first.”

  “I just want you to take a few days and think. Okay? If it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t, but just…” I hated it. Hated that I was afraid to just date an incredible girl. But there was no way I was going to risk hurting my kids the way I had with their mom. Or how it could have been with my brief affair with Becky.

  “Okay.” Ashley sighed and walked to her car. My whole body twitched wanting to follow her. Wanting to continue to kiss her, to feel the high I got from her body next to mine.

  “No. Wait.” She stopped and scowled at me over her car. “Can you please take your kids out of the equation for just a minute?”

  She didn’t get it. Not yet. Not at all.

  “No, Ash. I can’t. My kids are part of the equation. It’s a mistake I’ve made before that I don’t intend to make again.” Maybe now she’d understand.

  “I like your kids. A lot.”

  “That’s not the problem. I’m so afraid that you’re going to step into our lives and then realize that’s not where you want to be when you’re in your early twenties. And I wouldn’t blame you for it. It wasn’t easy.”

  “Okay.” She let out a long sigh her small, perfect mouth pulling into a frown. “I’ll be thinking then.”

  Wishing I could just let all my worries go, I stood next to my car and watched her back away. She was right here, only somehow now exquisitely untouchable, and I wished I’d have been able to shut off my brain for one night and enjoy being with her. I really had to stop over-thinking.

  * * *

  “What’s that face?” Cooper smirked as I stumbled out of my car in the wide driveway of his cabin. I hadn’t slept all night after Ashley drove away. Cabin and fresh air was more likely to force me into a nap than anything else. The four Cokes I forced myself to drink on the drive weren’t helping at all.

  Ree and Trevor raced past me toward the lake where the neighbors’ kids were already waiting.

  I knew I had no idea what I was doing. I also knew I’d probably just made a stupid mistake and pushed Ashley away when maybe if she was in deep enough the kids wouldn’t matter, my age wouldn’t matter, our past wouldn’t matter. Not that I’d given her a chance to absorb any of my past because it wasn’t just mine. It belonged to my kids, too. But at least I was upfront with everything else.

  “Dude.” Cooper slapped my back as he led me toward the lake. “How badly did you screw it up?”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence.” I rubbed my eyes again to no avail. My body still wanted to collapse on the porch.

  “No, but seriously.” He shook me a few times as he squeezed my shoulder. “How bad did you screw up?”

  I shrugged him off and flopped into a chair, throwing me feet up and kicking off my sandals. It was early morning, already hot, and I was ready for fall.

  Exhaustion swept over me. “It was good. The whole date was… It was pretty perfect.”

  Cooper grinned and reached up for a high-five.

  I rolled my eyes. “I’m not the guy who sleeps with someone on the first date.”

  “Except Becky.”

  I groaned. “That was my rebound fling. She knew it. I knew it.”

  “Still sucked when she moved.” He popped open two cans of Coke and handed one over as Ree and Trevor made it down the hill to the lake. The trees scattered along the red rock, and the whole setting was pretty ideal.

  “Yes. It sucked for like two weeks until I realized what a mess we were.” I rubbed my hands over my face. “This is almost the opposite of that.”

  “Opposite?”

  “She knew the kids first. Becky just met them briefly. It just… It changes things. I don’t want them to be devastated if it doesn’t work out. Right now we’re all friends, and it’s all good, and everyone’s still happy.”

  “But would you be fine and happy if she found someone else?” Cooper asked, finally sounding at least somewhat serious.

  His words were like a sledge to my chest. “No. It would suck. But if he was her age, and was giving her the freedom she should have at her age, it would be… It would still be awful, but I could deal.”

  “And you don’t think you could deal if you two start dating and it doesn’t work out?” He leaned toward me.

  “That would suck too, but at least in the first scenario, there wouldn’t be awkwardness when we’re all together.” Or would there be…? Anything was better than two devastated kids over a relationship that might not work out.

  “Okay. Wait.” Cooper sat up straighter. “You’re telling me that if you don’t move forward with this girl, she might find someone else, and that would be awkward, but okay. And she’d still be friends with your kids, which I get is this big important thing.”

  “Right.”

  “It would be crappy if she was with someone else, and crappy if you two broke up. So why don’t you at least give it a try? If it works out, then you’ve got a new woman in your life and if it doesn’t it’ll be weird. But if you don’t try…”

  “So what you’re saying is that I’m screwed.”

  “No.” Cooper’s seriously thinking and is intent. “I’m saying that you should move forward because that’s the only chance you have of getting a happy ending out of this.”

  “I don’t know how I got here.” I rub a hand over my head. “I don’t know how I let myself like her so much when I knew it was a bad idea.”

  “Because a hot, cool, girl, moved in next door to you. Your kids have barely stopped talking about her, and how fun she is, and how you two know all the same weird bands. My guess is that you’ll be thinking about her all weekend.”

  I closed my eyes as I thought about the way she felt next to me. How her mouth felt on mine. What kind of an idiot coward was I being? Or did I need to be that cautious for Ree and Trevor’s sake?

  “So, the date was good huh?” he asked.

  It couldn’t have been better. Gourmet meal paired with the drive-in. “The woman ditched the theater in favor of pizza and a movie, and she was the one to kiss me.”

  “Well.” Cooper sat back in his chair. “She sounds like a keeper.”

  And she totally was. If she was closer to my age, and if I wasn’t worried about her missing out on the parts of college that I’d missed, I’d jump in with both feet. I’d also asked Ashley to take her time after telling her the many reasons we shouldn’t be together, so I might have killed this thing off already. That was definitely a sobering thought.

  I tapped my phone, wondering if I should call her, or just keep waiting.

  ELEVEN

  Ashley

  The more I thought about what Brandt said, the more I understood his hesitation, and then as I continued to think, the less it made sense, and then more... What a mess. As I sorted files on Monday for Donetta, his words kept playing back to me. Did he really think I was so stupid I didn’t notice he had kids? I’d talked with Marie and gone to Trevor’s games. I knew their mom left. I got that it was a bad situation. I understood Brandt’s hesitation, but was he really ready to not even give us a chance?

  By the time I pulled in front of my house, I was so frustrated I couldn’t wait to see him and tell him that I’d taken his few da
ys and that he was being stupid. Sadly, he wasn’t conveniently waiting on his porch when I arrived.

  My phone rang as I unlocked the front door and I answered without thinking.

  “You got Ashley,” I said as I swung my bag onto a chair.

  “Dammit! There you are!” Josh’s Dad’s voice crashed into my ear, and it felt like my insides cracked apart. I fell to sitting on the couch as I frantically hit end over and over with shaking fingers, and then threw my phone across the room without thinking. It slammed into the wall before crashing to the ground.

  Why was I still so angry? Afraid? Upset? Two years ago he died. But six months ago I was in the hospital. And part of me wasn’t sure how long the calls would go on.

  * * *

  Two Sonic Burgers and a chocolate shake later, I felt slightly better. Amy and Kenneth still weren’t home, and my phone was in pieces on the floor. A very stupid mistake that I couldn’t afford.

  My brain went from Brandt to Josh to Josh’s parents and then back to Brandt.

  “You look crazy serious.” Amy flopped next to me on the couch in her pajama pants and helped herself to a handful of fries

  “Brandt kissed me.” I closed my eyes. “No. I kissed him.”

  “Go, Ashley.” Her brows rose. “How was it? And how are you telling me two days after the fact?"

  “We kissed…kind of a lot. And to answer your other question, I haven't seen you in two days.”

  “Been busy with Taylor." Amy sighed in contentment. “And was the kiss bad? I mean, why the calorie fest?"

  "Oh, no." I shook my head. "The kiss was perfect. He's worried about his kids. Wants me to think."

  She leaned her head on my shoulder as she sucked the last sips of my shake. “Sort of a big deal, huh?”

  I sighed. “Yeah.”

  “So. Are you worried about the kids?”

  “No…”

  “You shouldn’t be. You took care of Josh, of me, of Kenneth, of your mom… It’s what you do, Ash. I think you’re probably the only friend I have that I wouldn’t be telling to run screaming despite how hot he is.” Then Amy tensed. “But remember how awful it was when your mom and Dale split.”

  “But we still keep in touch.” Though, I wasn’t sure why I was protesting because we kept in touch, but the first couple years he was gone were rough. And now we only talked maybe twice a year. I wore his mom's locket, but wondered if there would be a point when he realized I wasn't really his daughter and would want it back.

  “Brandt asked me to take a few days and think about being with him because of the kids and because casual dating wasn’t really something he was into. That he hated he was putting me in an awkward position.” It all felt so real and grown up, and… I wasn’t sure what else.

  And then I heard Brandt pull in next door.

  “Go. Talk. I’ll finish up here,” Amy opened my Sonic bag and laughed as I headed for the door.

  My breath caught as I stepped outside.

  Brandt smiled wide when he saw me and then looked confused as I got closer. I might look like a crazy woman after my afternoon on the couch stuffing myself with fast food, but whatever.

  “Come sit?” he offered gesturing to his porch.

  I followed him and we each sat on an end of his porch swing as I smoothed my hair down, wishing I was able to settle my nervous stomach with the same action.

  “I think I don’t agree with almost everything you said the other night.” My words hung between us for just long enough that I started to wonder if I’d done the right thing by confronting him.

  “But can you understand the need to protect my kids?” he asked.

  “Of course. Let’s just…” And then I realized I had to really put myself out there or I was going to lose him. “I wasn’t looking for anything, Brandt. I’ve had too much going on, but then I met you, and it’s easy. I like you. A lot. I get now why people say it’s easy, and you’re making it hard.”

  We stared at one another for a moment and realness and gravity of what I just laid out between us hit me hard.

  “I’m an ass.” He cupped my cheek with his hand and I let out the breath I’d been holding.

  “You’re not an ass,” I said, only my words came out all breathy, so he had to know exactly how I felt. How much I wanted him to kiss me again.

  His lips pressed softly against the corner of my mouth. “I’m sorry. You have to know how much I like you. How easily I could see myself with you, and maybe I’m using my kids as an excuse. But they’re involved no matter what, and I just want to keep them safe. I haven’t always done a good job with that in the past, and I’m determined to not let them down again.”

  That was definitely something I could relate to. “That was…honest.”

  “One turn deserves another and all that.” He leaned back on the bench seat and rested his arm over my shoulder pulling me into him. Even in the heat, I relaxed into the comfort of his arm.

  “So what happens when I start showing you…” I trailed off in a tease.

  His arms squeezed around me tighter as he chuckled. “The kids and I and my brother and his family will all be at the lake this weekend. Why don’t you come? Hang out. Relax. Meet my crazy and it would be better if you ran screaming now rather than later.”

  I loosely slid my fingers through Brandt’s as I studied his hand. Tanned skin, long fingers, smooth palms. “I’d love to. Do I bring stuff to stay over?”

  His lips touched the side of my head. “Only if you want to.”

  I definitely wanted to.

  “Yes!” Marie squealed as she leapt onto the porch, making both Brandt and me jump.

  “How long have you been there?” Brandt asked.

  Marie’s face was full of bright-eyed mischief. “I just walked up?”

  I shook as I tried not to laugh, and Brandt seemed both frustrated and embarrassed as he pressed his fingers into his eyes with a smile.

  “It’s fine.” I patted Brandt on the leg, and then just left my hand there because maybe now it was okay. My fingers ran circles on the muscles just above his knee, and that simple touch sent waves through me. Only I was the one touching him. That was new.

  “What’s going on?” Trevor stepped onto the porch next glancing at where Brandt and I sat and then suppressing a smile as he saw the way his dad’s arm was around my shoulders. So, yeah. I was starting to understand this might be weird or awkward, and I wasn’t used to being watched as closely as we would be, but... but I thought I could get used to it.

  “Ashley’s coming to the cabin this weekend!” Ree squealed.

  “Why are you so excited now?” Brandt asked. “When you were begging to come home last night? I figured you two would stay all week.”

  “Jen can’t get a ride up.” Ree shrugged, and Trevor scoffed. I was pretty sure Jen was Ree’s best friend, but not positive.

  I glanced at Trevor. “So, I’m guessing you know the real reason?”

  “Rhymes with Malex.”

  Marie swiped back to get her brother but he easily dodged her as he laughed.

  “Hey!” Brandt called. “Seriously?”

  I rested my hand on his chest and slouched in the swing.

  “I barely see him, Dad.” Ree pouted.

  Brandt sighed. “Okay. Well. Maybe…”

  I turned to face him. “Better here where you can keep an eye on him?” I suggested quietly.

  “What?” Ree asked.

  “Maybe Alex could come hang out with the family,” Brandt suggested.

  Ree made a face. “I don’t think that’s really his thing.”

  And that’s when I couldn’t stay quiet. “Okay. Marie?”

  “Yep.”

  “I’m not saying I do or don’t like Alex because I’ve never met him. But why would you date a guy who doesn’t want to be around your family? That seems kinda important.”

  “But—”

  “No worries.” I held my hands between us. “Maybe I’m overstepping. Just think on that. I’d
never date someone who couldn’t get along with my friends.”

  “He does get along with my friends.” Now she was using the disbelieving face with me that she normally saved for her dad.

  “My friends are my family, Ree. I’m not lucky like you.”

  The porch was silent for a few minutes, and I didn’t realize how tense I’d gotten until Brandt’s hand ran up and down my arm a few times helping my muscles relax.

  Ree’s face when from defiant to soft. “Yeah, okay. Thinking,” she said, but she couldn’t drop the annoyed voice. Even for me. I didn’t want to lose the easy way we normally talked, but maybe I’d just overstepped somehow.

  Brandt gave me another squeeze. I had no idea if Ree would actually think on what I said or not, or if I’d just become another one of the grownups she wasn’t into.

  In seconds they were making plans for the week and talking about the beginnings of football season for Trevor and when Brandt could take Ree school shopping. Back to their normal. I closed my eyes, leaned against Brandt and enjoyed the noise of family.

  * * *

  To tell her, not to tell her… Tell her… Not to tell her…

  “You’re being so quiet, sweetie.” And then even Mom yawned, the sound unmistakable, even over the phone.

  “Yeah. I know.” I sighed as I rolled over in bed afraid to look at the clock.

  “Just tell me now.” She chuckled. “Is it a guy thing?”

  Warmth and the excitement of something new that had that potential to be big spread over me. “Not just a guy. The house, Mom… It’s normal people, but not our kind of normal. Just like you talked about and wanted for me. Kids that get along as well as siblings do, and a nice house, and a nice guy with a real job and gorgeous eyes and a vinyl collection that would have made Josh drool…”

  “Hmm…” Mom breathed out. “I’d warn you to be careful, but you’ve been a lot more careful than your old Mom.”

  “Maybe.” Though, I wasn’t sure anymore. Mom fell over and over, but I never fell. Not really. Loving a boy who’s gay hardly counts because the risk wasn’t the same. “Am I careful or paranoid?”

  “I wouldn’t know. All I know is how to jump in with both feet without looking.”